Short stories

Tuesday, 5 April 2016
| 08:22 | No Comments

The Revolutionary Changes

PREFACE

All characters appearing in this work are fictitious. Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental. 
It was raining that day. The hot atmosphere tried cooling itself, leaving its hot vapour up the sky. Every drop of this particular rain appeared heavy, holding a handful of molecules that are supposed to separate within the second. We stood in the rain defending each other, allowing heavy drops to hit our dry skin to get wet. A drop was waiting at her nose tip for the perfect timing to drop itself into collapse. I kissed her! In her lips! The sweat smelling little drop rewrote its fortune spreading onto my face.



Part 1

Emergence


Let me tell you a story. Story of an orphan who got an extraordinary chance to live. The one who started believing in him and was peculiar in his style of thoughts. He got good food, a family and above all, an un-imaginable life.
I couldn’t remember those days that left me alone. From the day I met him, I got everything better than anyone else. My dad, my mom, my great family and the world of mine. Obedience was the only thing he asked for and patience was the only thing I gave in return. A great coaching troop of trainers all around offered the best childhood with stories, games, knowledge and qualities. My dad was like a landlord, involved in local politics and such kind of stuff which made him surrounded with problems. Whatever be the bad smelling incidents around, he always looked at me with his smiling gentle face.
I’m his only proud son. I had that defect of irrational thoughts which were creative enough than their imagination, maybe because of that fact they didn’t sent me school. Maybe because of some other reason it happened. But they offered me home tuitions and workout sessions where I performed my levels of patience and obedience. I lived in a temple related background, so that my mom expected everything will get right through god. Realization of my defect stuck me when I entered the society through temple groups. I started achieving heights and won every sections I stepped. I just made ‘more than a usual kid’ status within time. The respect villagers gave, the positions I was elected to, the partialities that was given to me, the decisions I had right upon and everything taught me about the speciality in my birth with the defect of up-normal thinking. My little ideas worked out wonderfully making huge transformations in the society and in our local family business.
The praising poems I wrote and the stages I starred with appealing speeches contributed me a kind of confidence.  I should have thanked God a hundred times for my happiness and for the gift of my sagacious brain. There was the only one school-aged organising committee member, during family meets and annual programmes, who fascinated the audience. Those happenings transformed me into a star within the small village atmosphere.
Something changed while I grew up strong and bold. Dad became week both physically and socially when his late product added age to his credit. Everything around me was good and I lived my life. Many kids used to blame me when their parents compare them with my status, as a role-model of excellence and acceptance.
I had everyone friendly around me; small hanger baby to old toothless seniors. But everyone should have some friends of their age for sharing the age talk. I do had some.
After finishing my schooling in home, the age group talks became more interesting. My friends were talking about, small love stories, gang wars, friendship strength, and much more stuff, in which novels, televisions and movies habituated me before.
My desire for a better enjoyable life was getting stronger and bolder. After creating a big storm of sentimental atmosphere, I succeeded with my decision to fly towards freedom. Even if my dad didn’t wanted me to fly outside, he agreed unwillingly, unable to cope with the new young man’s theory. That was my first dis-obedient performance that changed everything. Everything I had and everything I was.
Watching some engineering students enjoying their life and from the stories they narrated, I made my love for pursuing engineering. But there was another condition. ‘I have to go study outside the state’ and that is the reason why I selected ‘Pallavanore’ city in Tamilnadu, which is more near to Kerala, as my place of interest.
There we had a totally different atmosphere with a large group of students, who made a world as their own with a useless lifestyle. Everything there was acculturative and taught me something good about the world. They showed me the world was too big to understand and experience. I kept thoughtful about personalities, behavior, patterns and uniqueness of life. Addiction was the major part of that life. Addicted to coffee, liquor, laziness, drugs, partying, criticism and much more. It was like travelling in a time machine, from a village past world into a city future world. My interest in speech, writing, martial arts and dance competed with the future world of e-gadgets, online shopping, music and drugs. Finally I failed and the technology won. I ended up in a room, with high bass speakers, smoke all over the space, and mobile phones at my fingertips. An unresponsive slave of an addictive lifestyle. The unexpected consequence of disobedience.

After the four years of dark age, I went back home losing myself competing with the exams and classes, there to find an old black shaded home, with two old lives. My dad and my mom! He was week and was struggling with problems that he never wanted to share with me. Life was struggling at some part but I realised the one they let me know was only its smooth end. There our big house appeared too small, and it was empty leaving my dad and mom back in the small room at the back corner.

Reality stuck me. I understood the seriousness of problems I made. I should build back my family, strengthen our business relations, solve the problems and join everyone together. I tried getting up from bed and tried working for it. Then I understood ‘I’m not that heroic star anymore.’ I realised the silent escape of all those applauses around me. Time erased everything good around me. My memory, activeness, processing speed and smartness. I just became a useless normal kid within these four years. Everything around me has tumbled. God made the big line small drawing a large one near to it. Every house has been rebuild and is new-fashioned now. The fancy car and phone which were our symbol of lordship became a basic facility everyone had. Everyone around us evolved into a new start. We are still in the past, with the big turned small house and old pride.

You must be boring reading an old sentimental story. By the way, my name is ‘Dhyan Raghav.’  






Part 2

This is How it Started


It was in the last September, I saw him for the first time. He was one among the interview attendees waiting at the office door. We are from two different states with different languages and two different religions with different customs. We were almost opposites with our mother tongue, customs, character and style. How can opposites attract in life? Maybe this is the magic of love.

I, myself is the senior class designer of ‘Futurefleas’ gaming company located in the Tech city of India.  I’m here for the last two years; from that day I came from college, as part of my internship programme. He was an unfit for our small company, with his neat looks and gentle expressions that were too much for us. We have only some small groups of designers and trainers in the company in which we made a Tamil world with the majority of eight Tamil employees. There is another senior designer from ‘Kerala’ (from his native) who don’t know our language ‘Tamil’; the only Mallu (Keralite) known to me before. We used to tease him every day even though he possessed meritorious amount of material yield.

He was positioned next to my friend ‘Shree’ for online eligibility test as part of first round interview scenario. While breathing, the fresh air entered him and get mixed with the smelling tobacco and travelled back to us. We were teasing him loud, sitting around his place, concluding he knows no Tamil. He was wearing a blue neat shirt with semi black trousers and his cheeks were neatly trimmed creating a handsome sexy appearance. We derived it from his facial status; ‘he will not come back to this company.’ After sometime of his dismissal we discussed about him with our HR ‘Reshma Madam.’ She started laughing and explaining about what all he told. ‘He just finished the college, have many back lobes, he loves programming, he said Mallus never help each other, he can’t return back home without a job, and so and so.’ Her muscles in face convulsed.

After three days he came again, ready to join our company and that was a surprise for all of us. We looked at each other and made a smiling glance. Reshma choose ‘Jeena’ (my best friend and college mate) for training him and another experienced entrant joining that day. I stroll into the conference room with her, just to see the one who broke our expectation. Reshma gave a preface explanation about the job and handed it to Jeena. While she started with the basics I left back with Reshma. After five minutes ‘Jeena’ came back saying ‘he knows Tamil’ and she left back to the training session. After the morning tea, they came back to some vacant cabin other side. That day ran faster than expected. The next day, Jeena was leaving our company with one year experience and was running for new company and better job. I felt the emptiness when she stood up from her seat and said bye. For the last four years’ time, she was always been near to me. I do behave like an emotional idiot in times. I know, I am!

The next day morning, I was looking at her seat emotionally and was thinking about an escape from this company. I will beetle off from here as soon as I complete my studies going on. Reshma called me out from her cabin at the corner.

          “Stella! GM told not to continue with ‘Dhyan’ in the main part. He is mindless and of no substance. Please train him to write the basic level programming. Can you do that? ” That meddle had the habit of slaying with smile.

“No Problem Mam; I will” I returned her humble smile. When she gave him instructions, I felt disturbed. Disturbed without any reason. Maybe Reshma can be the reason. He came and sat near to me. I was little confused about how to start with the program thing. Finally I did,
“Take your notepad and note down the formats I explain.” He gave a foolish dumb facial expression and said. “It’s Okay; just tell me, that’s fine.” He gave it a childish immature accent.
“What do you think of yourself? Can you grasp everything from the sound? Do you know how much I have wrote?” I flew of the handle and opened my notepads and diary before him. He looked back at me with popped out eyes and the same comical dumb facial expression. He took his pen and notepad and waited for something to start.


I felt afraid why I did it likewise. Maybe his part in my life needed an unusual start.


Part 3

Gentleman Deal


After trying again and again, I crafted a lot of attempts to head start with something that can empower me to work with the change that could be synthesized for a resurrection.  But everything went wrong and impeded presenting negative thoughts. A month of sleepless nights passed by. Every mornings presented a headload of pain and depression. A new plan budded every second and they crashed each other up in my brain, building complicated networks that made my clock screwy.  Sentimental comments came when I came out to the street, from those people around that turned into an unacceptable challenge for my prideful status. That was the reason why I left my village to explore the new possibilities of evolving.



Even though I suspected not to go back ‘Pallavanore’, I did it because, it was the only place I felt local to the surroundings. There I had some savvy friends who dreamt of a long trip together, towards an unknown destination. But the condition we had was not that stable with financially backward situation. So we made a small trip catching the next train that arrived in the nearby station. The next day morning witnessed ‘Bangalore city.’ Even though ‘Bangalore’ is special for its IT Companies and Technological world, we saw it in other way. The easy availability and cheap price of liquor and wine compared to neighbouring states made Bangalore special for us. So we choose to relax from morning itself. We have quite a little friends there and a usual hangout PUB where we danced during college trips.

Arrows at the clock ran faster and pointed at four when I made the second glance. We were talking about the vexed issues of unexpected reality that changed our lives into disaster this soon. After a day long discussion starring future possibilities, we settled on changing the subject so because, same subject the whole day felt lifeless without conclusions. So my friend selected the subject of love that have more complications to talk about. Even though the subject didn’t felt suitable for our present condition, I liked opposing love stories from college days.

My friends had love stories that grow up within social media, and ended up in bed. Maybe some short love stories. One started with his usual comment, “You know, among the hundred movies released in India, surely ninety-eight will explain a love story. So there exists love and there is life within itself. Maybe you should experience it to know how it works.” I have a bad tendency of opposing everything that unwillingly suits my concept. I got my time then.

“Okay guys! Explain me what’s love? When should we call it true and mythical? Have you ever seen a true love story for real? There is no made for each other thing either. Only human lust and care is combined and we call it as love. It will not exist for a lifetime. That is why intelligent ancients made religions and made ‘one man one woman rule,’ as a matter of religious outcome, so as to keep the human quality of self-control for our race to move forward.” When my volume raised from scoring energy, couples all around pointed at me with their distressed faces. Probably I should have disturbed some dating plans. But I didn’t quit. “We change our behaviour, style, trend, likes and dislikes often with latest fads. If someone gets interested in you because of your character and style, we are going to change them within sometime. Any girl can love, as many guys and any boy can love as many girls as he wants. If you can stay at one, you are the owner of such a quality mind.” Soon I noticed the silence around me awaiting end for my conceptual speech. So I thought of ending it easy and simple. I don’t want to make them bored again and reached towards climax. “Each and every girl is flexible and will change their mind with time, so do boys.”

That climax wasn’t that acceptable. So they started again with the reply. “So you say every girlfriend is flexible, and will change their mind with mood and time. I can’t totally accept that rubbish.” He blew a fuse when he added words, becoming crazy with my theory. “Alright, do one thing. Prove us your theory.” He was about to start a massive attack, before that I injected in. “Prove? What to prove? Whom to prove? I was just sharing a thought; if it doesn’t seems digesting, leave it free.” Though I was just ending it, my tail end smile displayed it like escaping. So they got the chance. “How can you just say that in the public? If it was your foolish dumb thought then it should stay back in your mind. You said it because the mighty Dhyan is able to prove it.” Everyone approved it with intentional dialogues that followed. “It’s simple, choose a girl and change her mind, make a new trend and that’s it.”

“Doing that to a girl is terrible. How can you say such things! Even though I try, I should find a girl first.” I objurgated.

“Finding a girl is nothing man, Can’t you see sexy girlfriends all around. Now you will say, none are challenging for you.” He was locking my only word of hope with that precaution comment. I just wanted to end that teasing war reaching targeted towards me. “Okay! Which girl? You just select one for me. I’m ready.” He haven’t had the intension of quitting.

“Before that I have one more thing to say. Let’s make it a bet as we always do. Tell me what you can accept if you can’t make it in time. That’s the gentleman procedure.” Foolish scoundrels around supported him with the ‘OoHaa’ sound. I didn’t wanted to stay silent before the winning party. So I counterbalanced with confidence.

“Alright; let’s make it a gentleman deal. What if I succeeded with the motive? What can you offer me back?” We usually make gentleman deals for fun and I do earn the most of it. But the speciality of this particular deal is the presence of that unknown lady. They paused for a minute and one started again. “Let’s fix the girl first, and we will continue with the deal.” They all started counting around and I was checking through their faces. They made some suggestions and amended it with some else. Finally the guy who fixed the deal fixed the girl.

“I know how hard it is to get trapped with the situation. So I can help you with a favour. It seems like that girl at the restaurant table is having some problem with her boyfriend. It will be much easier to get her if you can act like a caring friend now.” I didn’t even looked at the table because I was determined to reply him before that. “Thanks! Six month time is all I need. What will you accept when you get failed with this?” And I looked at the girl and I couldn’t even see her properly because she sat some hundred degree other side.

“Okay, we altogether will offer you a ‘Manali’ trip free of cost.” He checked with others in a glance while finishing. “And what will be your price of defeat?” I don’t have any answers to explain. So I kept thinking. “What do you want me to do? Some favour or a curse to accept myself.” These are the two ‘gentleman deal’ options available. “You can decide that too.” He throw me a much confused decision to make.

“Okay! I will work in your timber mill just for food and shelter; means without a single rupee salary.” My low voice made them confident, producing a bewitching smile as its sign. He find that fascinating even though others find it stodgy. “You are going to be treated as a slave; are you sure, you said that?”
“Do you think Dhyan is brainless or fatuous to make asinine comments?” Everyone around looked at me with a ‘did that hurt him’ thought. They know I’m adamant with my decisions, and adding a trivial outlook completed my comfortable state. The guy sitting opposite me beckoned to the other when he started at something with a ‘sorry’.

“Let me see my girl first, then lets continue with another topic.” I stood up from the couch, placed bottle at the table and walked intentionally towards the washroom crossing the restaurant. There is no sentiments or compromise with gentleman deals; such related talks faded when I walked away. On my way back from washroom, I was looking at her for calculating my first gut instinct.
She wasn’t that pulchritudinous, but was old-fashioned girl with frameless specs and pleasing style. Even though my gut instinct gave me a favourable reply, the second thought erased everything with a negative flash.
I was thinking like going to her and asking like “What happened sweetheart? Any problem?”
 “Then her boyfriend will come for me and I beat him there. Watching me beating her boyfriend makes her impressed and ask me for the favour of dropping her home. While I drive, police jumps into the scene and the escape related incidents make her love me from that day itself.”
This is the beginning strategy of love in every Telugu movie. But now I know life is much worse than movies.

We drunk until we fall and sleep, teasing each other, ignoring the girl and the task waiting at the restaurant. 


Part 4

My Presumptions


Job in here cast down to be colourless within days. Absence of ‘Jeena’ was making the whole atmosphere lonely for me. I got more of the stuff to handle everyday like training the new entrants, working with my team in programming, extra fill outs and call outs from GM, and debugging submissions. The only thing that felt savouring was, getting placed between two trainee guys as their trainer. The one was a Pentecostal Christian who was an extra fine character with first looks and was graduated from somewhere in States with an experience of three years in web-developing. I was afraid what to and how to tell ‘Sam’ about the procedures. But when I kick off to start, he gave back a supportive matured response and absorbed everything I told for action.

But ‘Dhyan’ the other guy was just the opposite. Not just the opposite, but he was more than that. He was a fresher from some unknown college in ‘Pallavanore,’ near to my Top Ranking College of that city. He haven’t even completed the course. He is here as a trainee with less than the basic salary. More than that he is a moronic lacklustre with careless mind and dumb brain. Ahh... That was relaxing!!

The first day itself, after my lengthy explanation he said ‘he understood everything’ and on the go he came up with doubts. Usually teachers encourage doubts, I think he is over-motivated in this. If disturbing with doubts is an art, he must be a professional among such artists. For example, you are going for a tea in the nearby store and the waiter is asking you about it. “What about the tumbler sir, paper or glass? Do you want it hot or medium? What about the sugar sir? You want it strong or light sir? Sir do you like to opt for any varieties like ginger tea, special tea or green tea? Do you want anything else with it? Sugar?”
How irritated you must be? Training him is like hearing and getting irritated with the condition for nine hours a day. You can calculate it now, my ability of patience.


While this thing was going on in its way, I gave him a program to study and explained him to examine it and explain the same in five minutes. He started scanning it making a sound similar to one that kids make while playing with toy car. It was an application created for ‘Medical Products and Marketing.’ While I turned my head back to system with the relief of a pause from him, he turned back to me and asked in a rush.
“What is this thing Viagra?”
In a second I got confused and words came out without my permission. “What?” The other guy ‘Sam’ heard that. He turned to us. He asked again with a ‘Do I did anything wrong’ expression.
“What is ‘Viagra,’ it’s getting repeated in the text.” I just get stunned without an answer and looked back to the system and observed him still counting on me. The guy other side busted into laughter and managed to say ‘I will tell you later, go on with your work.’

In the other minute, my stunned and excited reaction became text and travelled to ‘Shree’ and ‘Athira’. In the next second, two faces budded up the cabin with a semi-smiling pause looking at me and him frequently. I burnt up with anger and restlessness with a comic unknown signal. That day passed with a load full of teasing targeted towards my situation.

He told me many things without a question. He didn’t pass the exams, he is from a family in a village at Kerala, and he plans to make a duplicate graduation certificate and the plan of making money for that, etc.…

He don’t use his mobile phone much, but occasionally there comes some secret call in which he talk in good western English. He told me he has the problem of overthinking which disturbs a man from sleeping. Overthinking has another name for its mental condition ‘Analysis Paralysis.’ He told me he don’t like sentimental people and he teased Tamil movies for having an over-sentimental hero.
After a week I end up confused about who he must be. That weekend, my mind was full of him, sharing with my friends and thinking about him. During the daily chats with my boyfriend, my tongue tip keep repeating his name ‘Dhyan’ even though I’m afraid to do so. Categorically analysing, he is an unfit with all cases. He is new like fresh and raw. A very different man I have ever seen in my whole life.

He started teasing me and Shree whenever he gets the chance. Athira was the only one who replayed him whenever she gets the chance and he controls it silently. When we girls in gang comes together we arrest him in the cage. I do use the opportunity, performing smart before others.

One thing I noticed about him is that he gets tensed when anyone use the word ‘business.’ Maybe he don’t like business, or maybe he has a story starts from business fall, or maybe he is betrayed from some business, maybe his parents... He is mysterious and I thought the only one who know him is his friend and my other trainee Sam. I started about him with Sam but he don’t know him out of office. They leave together from office, share a tea and snack and drop him somewhere and that’s all he know. My head started thinking a lot. I often felt like I’m overthinking.

He was unexplainable like we couldn’t even figure out whether he is teasing or getting self-teased. Throwing that confusion he neutralize every targeted attack that approaches him. Whatever happens, he gave that foolish, comical dumb expression and in the next minute he switches to cool free man like nothing happened.

I believe he don’t know how to talk with a girl. He talks about the worst stuff degrading himself, never cares about anything that matters us, have a different opposing opinion about love, don’t even have a phone to chat with. Maybe he is a fraud!

 The one thing that fascinated me was his style of adapting me. He eats my styles and phrases to tease me and puts it in, whenever the situation favours. We practiced the phrase of using “seri okay” for confirmation and that was the one he used first to tease me when I gave him instructions. Then he robbed my usages like ‘Ada Kodumi!’, ‘Vinayaka perumalae’ etc.… He was witty with his character and his lips keeps on moving every second of the day. Once he told me that, he keep three rules for himself for his office part. One was formal dressing code, the other was attendance and the third was the unbelievable one; silence. So he came office every day in formal uniform, and he came everyday even if all others planned for some leave together; but being silent was a real challenge for him.
A month passed in the shades, teasing each other and working with his improvement as an employee. He mentioned about my boyfriend throughout the teasing saga when something came wrong from my part. I didn’t want to expose me as a girl with a boyfriend but it happened. That evening we were in a joined massive attack with him. Unusually I supported him in a particular point crossing Athira and Sree saying, ‘my trainee is the best one.’ Soon he responded.
“See, I have my girl there” When he finished with confidence, Shree interrupted loud and fast.     “She have her boy already; who is your girl then?” He lost his face looking down and changed his tune. We burst into laugh with a hi-fi, confirming we scored.

Back in my room, I felt tired and kept thinking about the incident; it was confusing enough to decide whether I scored it bad. ‘She haven’t said that! How can I face him tomorrow?’
       Sleep erased all such thoughts when I woke up the next morning. After some days he asked about him along with some useless murmurs. “Silly guy! He is gonna suffer for sure!” When he murmured in a flow I replied with the flow. “Who?”
“That one; your boyfriend.”
Remembering that incident happened two three days back I replied unending but fast as an answer.
“Who told I have one!” Making the scene little reddish didn’t affect him anyway. Nothing does! He still felt cool and replied. “Ohww… Are you such a waste? You can’t even get a boyfriend in all these years?” He giggled in such a way to make me redder enough.
After a second pause I gave him answer. Slow and silent. “No, I have one. Shut your mouth and do your job.” I thought of winding it up; need some time for thoughts. He has that creepy behaviour of unblushing chase. He came up with the next comment.
“Why can’t that dialogue bring you enough happiness? Are you planning for a breakup?” Sudden but the same silent tune reply appeared little unusual.
“Shut your mouth and do your job” I backstabbed.

He was full of action, giving a bit of extra reaction for everything that required a little bit. He seems to be the mysterious person I ever know. Sometimes he appeared like a terrorist with intentional motives. One day I asked him about that, fitting it in the final part of a teasing strip. But he was cool and replied simply laughing to that. So that was a clarification.

One day I found him talking English in his broken half-working phone, and I’m sure no one was at the other end. So he is simply acting like calling somebody. He is not that well in English while attending office calls and while replying mails. Then why he do all this? Whatever, he is a very good actor bewitching us with tricks.

He said he don’t have much friends. He talks like an alien, with unacceptable rules and ideas that our modern world feels difficult to digest. I spent a lot of time rolling through his Facebook page, and found everything normal. He has a collection of handsome clicks which are well edited and maintained. There I saw a lot of his friends hanging around him and many photographs that explains his friendships. Liar! Maybe he is a liar!

I thought he can’t even connect with girls; because he had an unusual style of irritating commentary. But there was a lot of girls in photographs posing by his side. So maybe he is good person whom we can trust.

As time passed he started opposing ‘Love.’ His concepts were against the love and relations that’s happening through social media. He believes they will not sustain till end. Explaining concepts about each and everything. Even though his advises helped me with many problems that took place, I hate the philosophy in each and everything.

One day when I was returning to the table after lunch he was drawing something in the old table calendar that was thrown in the corner. When I asked to show it; after his usual hesitation style, he gave it to me. I was stunned after looking at it. He have transformed those pictures of fruits into something that is spectacularly creative. Creative! Maybe he is Creative!
Months rolled by…






Part 5

A Try for Resurrection


The next day we returned back to ‘Pallavonore.’ I understood the situation is getting much worse than ever expected. So I planned to leave ‘Pallavanore.’ I went back home were the situation is much worse. For making a change in the usual unenergetic lazy lifestyle, mom advised me to visit a religious convention programme nearby. There the prayers and chants gave me a proper relaxing feel. But my habits of addiction disturbed me to go for cigarettes. In the second day, while smoking at the nearby store, I get caught by ‘Swamiji’ who conducts the retreat programme. He advised me to come for a counselling. The last day I stood before him, explaining the problems. Controlling myself, overthinking, addiction and sleeplessness were my major subjects when it was made short. He appreciated me for my style of thoughts and control over basic sins. Then he took me to a psychiatrist who is consulting nearby along with the programme. After repeating the whole story again he instructed me to take tablets for sleep and addictions. The other problems can be corrected as a second step. He concluded saying “This is the only way out.” I said bye to ‘Swamiji’ promising him to come the other day. After coming back home I went thoughtful about his decision.

“I’m going to get treated from a psychiatrist. Am I insane?  “. I couldn’t control my feeling. I got feared enough form that incident. So finally I decided to make a working plan for myself. I analysed my problems myself and understood, if I could sleep properly half of the problems with me can be avoided. If I took medications, later it feels like an addiction which disturbs me from sleep without medicines. So I should find an alternate plan. If I feel tired then sleeping will be easier. Lazy sitting is preventing me from sleep. I googled about overthinking. The results were sorted to some practically possible points.

-          Go indulge in some work.
-          Speak less
-          Workout
-          Concentrate on something new that you don’t know about

I have to go for work. ‘Some hours later I got a call from ‘Varghese’ my batch mate and great friend who welcomed me to Chennai after telling him my decision to work in some company. He was working in some good company there as a trainee with very low salary. There he lived in a very small apartment with unfair facilities adjusting unbelievably. I joined him in the next week itself.
Being there in Chennai was expected to be a better part of life. But along with his friend we started drinking everyday again. Everyday!
In a month time I have applied for a hundred jobs and attended only three of them. The first of its kind in my life! I felt feared again, more than what I was been before. And my view on mighty myself and on my capability diminished. That destroyed my confidence. I became more useless.
The other day while drinking with some new friends, my phone rang. “Hi, Is this Dhyan Raghav?”   
“Yeah! Tell me” I replied. “Oi Hai…. Hmm… I’m Reshma Calling from Futurefleas Bangalore… You have applied for a programmer post in our company…. Soo…. Hmmm…..  Are you ready to shift from Chennai to Bangalore?”
“Ohh Yes! Well… Why not! If you could offer me a job...  So when can I come in there for an interview.”
“Hmm…. Your native is Kerala right?”
“Yes! I’m a Mallu!”   I was little afraid. Mallus have such a terrible status in the outside society.
“Soo… You should be having Onam Celebrations next week… Soo you can come one day after that.
Is the Monday after Onam fine for you?”
“Ohh! That’s so kind of you. You can expect me there by morning.” That conversation gave me a kind of confidence to attend the level for this job. A ‘Programmer’ job for a Journalism Graduate.
Her words were unfair and she broke instantly between words. That gave me more confidence to attend that interview. An HR with immature speaking skills sounds suitable for a plan I was looking about. So spending too much of time with the situation analysis and job background; I made a plan. A plan that could help my survival.

As an introduction to the interview, I have planned the questions and answers that could possibly been asked. A thousand questions and a ten thousand variety of answers! Adopted a neat style and purity in facial expression. Started believing like I got the job, so that no other forces could limit me from getting it. Then I thought about what to do with the job I got. There was a need for huge planning in order to make myself alright.

I should start believing ‘I don’t want a psychiatric treatment, I can solve it myself, I will work, I will exercise, I will sleep well, I will minimise my addictions to zero level, I could build myself, I will be alright. There was a proper planning I made after that. I’m going to work for the next four months. Four months are considered as four periods. Each period I want two percent improvement in my performance. The performance is calculated in terms of ten fields. Ten fields which are really tough for me to control in myself. They are


1. Mobile phones – Usage of mobile phones are restricted. My tablet got pit-pocketed while travelling in the public bus last week. I sold out my phone and got a broken one (Basic Phone) for me. By fourth month my avg. calls should get reduced to one.

2. Jogging – Exercises were part of my daily lifestyle once. Now I feel tired to workout. I believe this as the basic reason why fear is regaining power in me. I will get enough sleep if I can run some distance every day. If I can inhale and exhale gently then mind will get fresh and that could restrict overthinking.

3. Online – No Facebook, no WhatsApp, no Twitter, no googling. Internet became an addiction from college days. And the crazy intentions to write stories added more fire into the addiction for googling.

4. Speaking – Controlling my tongue from speaking was one of the tough tasks. I had that kind of a childhood where I saw my dad delivering powerful speeches in the corner road platforms. Sisters were all around me with hundred stories every time. I always had a lot of people to hear my stories. So controlling my tongue is such a difficult task for me.

5. Concentration – Rain is best thing I love in this world. Reason for that is the chillness and clarity it could provide. Rain erases my mind all in whole with its magnetic chanting sound and chillness. Concentration was among one of my long run targets from the half of my teen age. I’m not sure about a change. But let’s hope for the best as always. 

6. Sleeping – Long thread of paralysed thoughts that analyses every situation restricted me badly from sleep. Working with something else can divert me from overthinking. So I could sleep better one day. I’m expecting to get better sleep from the first month itself. 

7. Avoiding Problems – I loved creating problems and solving problems. Because I believed sad situations can bring happiness and happy situations can bring sad ones either. New place, new to the surroundings and background is better for a new start as a good boy. So there it is possible to stay, as an unknown, silent, foolish kid. I’m an expert in solving problems that could indeed create more complicated ones. I could possibly avoid creating and solving problems for the next four months.
  
8. Sitting – Resting in somewhere or someplace for more than a while was more than enough to drive me crazy. After the college life, with full on parties and celebrations, fixing my back in someplace for too much time became an impossible task. I do roam from one place to other while I get a small interval of time to relax. My usual routine without any programmes included six walks for tea. I have to correct the problem before anything else so that I could survive in an office.

9. Adjusting – I was so proud about my specialty in inheriting things. I could eat anything, live anywhere and control any stress. But now it is not the situation. Now I do have dos and don’ts list. I love somethings and I hate somethings. I should change it somehow so that I could regain my power back. I can get back with the star of quality.

10. Smoking and tea consumption – Smoking and tea consumption should be controlled. I don’t have an open mind that allows me to plan for quitting smoking and avoiding drinking tea. So the initial plan itself was to reduce the no. of cigarettes and tea per day. Two cigarettes and two tea by the end of this programme.

A week passed slowly in planning for the interview and the ultimate plan for boosting performance. The next week with my friend from ‘Chennai,’ I left for Bangalore. I have my relative friend studying in there who arranged us an apartment for two days to stay. He studies Fashion Designing in Bangalore in the National Institute for FD.

As pre-planned I prepared myself with neat looks and gentle expressions. The office wasn’t that big as I expected. The front office was full of dust and people who works on carpentry was running all over, while I waited for the HR to come. As like every office, watchman is our first target. While building up a conversation with that old man, a guy (Vincent) came out calling my name. He talked to me in English even though, his accent expressed mother tongue influence in the style. The first ‘Mallu’ in the desk; and that was disappointing. There it was congested with fourteen cabins in the bedroom spaced hall. There was some ten employees all over. I didn’t even looked at any of them like a shy guy with gender shyness.  They gave me some initial tests for checking my standards in grammar and spelling related matters. The HR came when I completed almost eighty percent of the test. She was huge and bulky like an elephant. She had an over-expressive face and had style of presenting. The one thing I understood was her love for foreign world. Then our conversation exchanged to my platform, where I performed well according to her taste. My sister who is married to a foreigner, the pizzas, my cousin who is a fashion designer student, my love for expresso shots etc. became subjects that attracted her attention. I believe the performance brought me the job within that day itself. But the salary was equal to that of our kitchen-maid. That wasn’t a problem for me either.

She gave me one day time, and I asked for one more day to arrange everything that is going to develop my image with performance. While travelling back to Chennai, we took a long route touching Mysore, Wayanad and Pallavanore. In Wayanad it was my friend’s wedding day; after helping them with the programmes and customs, we went Pallavanore and collected my Tamil friend’s interests for a Tamil outlook. The next day my relative guy gave me the key of his apartment and left for college. It’s a three sharing apartment. I got ready for my first day in office. I’m going to work under someone receiving a salary less than our kitchen maid. I refreshed myself with essential points to be remembered.


 [To Be Continued.....]

Click to read next part of the story...

Tuesday, 15 December 2015
| 10:36 | 7 Comments

10 Things That Changed During Chennai Floods 2015


My Encounter with Chennai Floods 2015



Witnessing likes, tweets and comments flooding on our social media platform regarding the disastrous flood and the support came across boundaries left me in gracious proud. Those statements about donations, love, support, help and duty promoted values of brotherhood. After a safe encounter with Chennai floods, my memory about the week left interesting pieces that are rare patches of green in the city. My memories about the day was not that huge qualities and thoughts, but were true limning of a coming back towards human roots. 

 Myself, born and brought up in the serenity of green paddy fields and flushing purity of backwaters in Kuttanad, felt untroubled when warned about the flood threat. Shifted to the hectic city, it was strange experiencing crowd, pollution and noise. For us people in Kuttanadu, floods are like annual guests in which he visits us twice or thrice every year, he scavenges our house, let government allow holidays for school and take the old with him on his return. Staying inside the vanity aura, built with strong-confidence, footed in experience from childhood was my stand. The factor that differ our small flood expected village from the over-packed commercial Chennai stayed low and silent.


I lived in Thiruvanmiyur, 500 meter near beach, third floor of a less spacious apartment, with my cousin, his friends and college mates. There was an ample supply of rain last week that gave me an unusual intemperate climate alert. Travelling almost twenty kilometers everyday to reach my office situated in 'Anna Nagar' made a three hour routine through the heart of the city crossing Adyar River, Anna University, Saidapet, T Nagar, Nungambakkam, etc. was long. Roads were flooded partially in the first day itself and it took three to four hours for me to make a travel one side. 

 It was nostalgic for me to spectate over the waves that showered pedestrians in formal costumes. Those memories gave the dispirited man a crazy Kuttanad feeling. Unlike others, I enjoyed rain as a coming back of my best friend, who traveled all hills and tops in search of his favorite ally. It was a mesmerizing week with sprinkled drops on face and chill mornings that supported warm sleep. But by the time transportation became infeasible resulting in termination of public transport services. It wasn't strange for me and for that reason, the mood helped me to follow the usual pattern of office workaday. 
The pathway adventures worked extra hours on my journey, eating some time from my office hours letting me land at the office doorstep by noon. End of the day, when I stepped out from office many college news sources commented on my possibility in returning Thiruvanmiyur. Realizing the condition of getting stuck in there, my cheeks clutched an antic smile. The possibility of returning faded when office-mate's counselling forced me to stay back with a college bachelor nearby. It was the start of December that awaited salary with his empty wallet. My college who accommodated me borrowed money for my food and that let me decide from the sentimental scene about returning Thiruvanmiyur again. When the morning light hit hard, shining in the reflecting water surface, presented Chennai people a ray of positive hope. The way back to my place should cross our office and I got a tortoise bus that dragged through water in order to reach the bus stop near office. 'It will add a nice memory,' I thought while the bus card me in its foot-board with my feet totally under water. In front of the office stood MD, with an anxious expression on rising water level. Office announced its shut down due to scarcity in electric power that escaped yesterday from the city. MD expressed his concern for me in travelling back the whole affected route. It was that time I saw a bus with its board written 'Beseant Nagar' reaching the bus stop ahead. Even though it took some energy in running for me to get the bus, my heart pounded with hope. Few seconds later, while recollecting my lucky coincidence, making myself stand in comfort, bus conductor interrupted. “This bus will only go till T Nagar, if you want to step down please step down here” Soon, my lucky destiny collapsed with the false coincidence realization. There I had a long way to go and all I had was 50 rupees. It was a tricky enough situation to challenge my confidence and self-motivating became important so that those old trips we managed without money was helping my mind. 

 Reaching T Nagar makes it half way, god must be waiting for my arrival to open some other way; I thought. 
While reaching T Nagar I saw a bus turning towards the other half way of my journey. So because it was closer, I jumped out from the bus and ran towards the other bus, but the doors were closed. That bus moved faster through the less water releasing huge waves, gaining power to contest with the deeper sections of upcoming road.
Someway I found peace with the situation, confirming ‘there are still buses in that route.’ So I decided to wait for the next bus to come. The waves and water gave me a cheering energy to play in it with my foot touching water. While water level made progressive updating, I spend time watching those people around, isolated on their way back home. After an hour, fed up with the anticipation, I decided to get a tea for cheering up from freezing. While waiting at the tea shop with the paid bill, there came two buses passing through the way where I wanted to go. I made myself calm and concentrated back on tea. After finishing the tea, I theoretically ran through the water to catch the bus. Both of us were slow but I missed it within ten meters distance. Blaming my thought for tea and the minute, I waited for another two hours and realized those where the last piece of hope. Without leaving myself to mental dilemma, I thought of walking the remaining route. Within time I started exploring the deeper liquid concentrations on road towards the outskirts of T Nagar.
Even though I explain myself performing a dangerous operation, there was kids, ladies and senior citizens walking along with me. The eagle eye view at this particular minute will surely make you think of an ‘End of the World’ picture.  People disordered and sequestered in the middle of endless water, moving here and there; unpredictable about the next moment.
I must have walked almost three kilometers to reach ‘Saidapet’, an area with lot of poor people living in slums near river side. It felt like stepping into comfort zone when I reached out of T Nagar; but I realized it was just a foolish feeling when I walked further towards the river side. Those people there, lost their homes and some lives when the swollen river started its destructive race. There was only slight shattering of small droplets, but the effect last rain brought was devastating.

People where all running around, here and there, someone holding someone motionless in his shoulder like holding a dead body, shop fronts seemed crowded like never before, bus stands became shelter for large groups to escape from rain, old ladies were crying for unknown reason, some policemen are still searching for a safe place to stand and secure themselves and lot more was moving around.
While I started moving further the highway ended with a huge crowd. Some are holding their cameras in their raised up hands. I expected a worst massacre output of wild flowing river. I saw the other side through a camera; the river was overflowing up the bridge, and the bus I missed was set apart at the bulging part of that bridge, unable to move further. Even though I lost hope of reaching home, I felt good about my unfortunate luck of missing that bus and thanked god for the tea thought.
Rain started its next innings after the half break. Some people ran back to shop fronts and tree shades and some remained there looking for their loved ones among the dead updates coming within short intervals. I found an advertisement sheet hanged nearby and raised its two ends to cover me from rain. Later another guy joined me followed by two ladies. I was thinking about the existence of any other possible way to get back home. I enquired my partner in shelter guy, explaining the situation. He explained me back about his much worse condition, where his house floor is already under water and he finally instruct me another way back home. The next bridge. He is not sure about its condition, but I can make a risky try, if I’m ready to walk a long way round through water and rain, towards the next bridge. I rechecked my wallet. I have less than fifty with me now and that regained my confidence to reach home. When the rain took a slight pause, I started my long walk towards the next bridge. On the way I found an ATM where some three guys gathered for shelter from rain. I stepped into the ATM to check whether I have something left in my account, even though I know there was nothing. Watchman stopped me from entering and said, “No money sir, it’s out of order.”
Apart from the watchman there was two other guys waiting at its front, one Tamil guy and the other from Orissa. For the Tamil guy; his parents the other side of river has no money with them, he should cross the river and take care of them. For the guy from Orissa; his parents have money but they don’t know any other language than Oriya, he should cross the river to buy them food. For the watchman, he came three days back, the substitute for him is on the other side, and he can only leave only if the other security reach this side.
I felt great; I have no that bad situation like these people. When I enquired about the other way to go other side they show negative reactions. They said there are no way possible to get the other part of that river. Even they discouraged me with a rumor that spread instant. After a while, discarding all those negativity, I decided to start towards Thiruvanmiyur. It was the level 2 game for me.
After a while, due to continuous freezing I had a feeling for liquid out flow. It was more than any other essential feeling that I have to find a proper place for the dispose. I bumbled through water for getting out from that weird feeling and unwillingly slowed the activeness of walking. I walked back almost one kilometer towards T Nagar and find a queue before the cigarette shop. There was only limited stock of cigarettes in that shop and I saw the patience in people that resembled the queue before beverages in Kerala. So because it was freezing cold with rain wet cloths and slow wind I joined the queue for a cigarette. But I was in the other side of luck again this time. The man who stood before me was the lucky guy to get the last cigarette in that store. I didn’t wanted to loose, I bought a pack of ‘Chandrika beedi’, lit one and continued walking. At some places of heavy water log, water marked its level in my chest. With a cover in my hand raised upwards I tried moving fast through water. I’m not like the other ones around, I’m experienced, I can move fast. I tried motivating myself.
Finally I walk crossing a part of T Nagar, Teynampet, Alwarpet and some other unknown areas and finally reached a kilometre before Adyar Bridge. The only possible way ahead to cross the other side. In that long walk that took some three hours, I saw a lot of things happening around. A family taking selfie up in a car after their car get off in the water, kids playing in the little waves that comes when huge trucks pass by, young guys creating new water games for a session, and much more.
 “By the way I’m much closer right now. Let me relax for a minute; it is freezing heavily.”
I took a ‘beedi’ and tried firing it. But the match box is destroyed and it can’t make fire anymore. So I decided to try the alternate option. I tried firing it from a nearby store, the store keeper fired me away, then tried asking for help to an auto driver; he didn’t help. Finally that guy entered the scene. Gokul; man with the heart of an angel, the unknown angel of my story. He approached me with his fire lighter, asked about my way, and finally offered me a lift in his Pulsar150 bike as the third person. Rain was dropping heavily, he didn’t shatter from the two he got from roadside. He dropped me in Thiruvanmiyur, the angel of good heart. He smiled with satisfaction, knowing god gave him another chance to win. It was around six when I reached back in home, where there my roommates waited for my arrival with confidence. After giving my legs a thirty minute break, we walk out to the street for purchasing food for the next five days.
The street was unexpectedly crowded, even though there wasn’t much waterlogged roads there, compared to my unusual experience. But some thoughts surprised me.

There was No Bank, No ATM Services, No Electricity, No Charge in e-Gadgets, No Hotels, No Food, No Petrol, No Transportation, and No Network for three days.

1.     There was fresh air, zero vehicle sound, washed out canals, clean leaves, and a holy atmosphere in which only Nature can provide.

2. People started walking slow; there is nothing to rush, No Colleges, No Offices.

3. Everyone started talking each other; No Electricity, No Charge in e-Gadgets, No Network.

4. The poor started begging or starving, Rich started cooking, No Bank, No ATM Services, No Hotels, No Food.

5. Every Supermarket displayed the board "No Candles, No Bread, No Milk", like the slogan of basic life.

6. Parents got enough time to spend with their Kids; Teens started talking to their mother, because boyfriends and girlfriends are a phone range away. No Charge in e-Gadgets.

7. Everyone get introduced to their neighborhood and started playing and talking together.

8. Street workers experienced peace at their home shade and daytime professionals saw daytime sunlight and Fresh air. No Electricity, No Fan, No Charge in e-Gadgets, No indoor works. 

9. With closed eyes anyone can hear the chanting sound of human talk, like the old classrooms in the absence of teacher.

10. During the bad intervals of disaster also, rumor creating tongues didn’t stop. Whatever be the pathetic situation, nothing can change a bad human behavior (rumor spreading tongue).


Moral of the story: Whatever advanced the modern man thinks he is, Nature can turn it around, fresh like the old, within time.


Wednesday, 5 August 2015
| 05:16 | 1 Comment

Pride

This extract from my college time blog collection was an upshot of new dissenting thoughts that received much self-appreciation from inner self. Unfortunately, I found trouble in concluding due to its uncertainness nature of unending doubts generation. After past few years of absurd self-analysis, universal power brought me the answers for my queries on the miraculously confusing topic ‘Pride.’  

(What does Pride refers to actually?
Pride is a rich feeling of confidence someone poses when they feel themselves securely surefooted. In other words it is a feeling sprang up from an over confident mind.
Then why bible refers pride as basic sin that can redirect into major sins??
We engineers or engineering students are strictly instructed to poses high level of confidence while attending an interview or while working on a project. There are hundreds of books written about the importance of working with confidence. There are great authors, experts who deliver their experience and motivate us to improve our level of confidence. If confidence induce pride then how it ameliorate my state of being. Then what could be the intentions behind instructing us to practise something that can be a cause for basic sin. Confidence does create pride. )

It was confusing why sister Placid taught pride as first sin. She was making us prepare for our Holy Communion ceremony. Among those kids, I was been the active. Sisters of our convent possessed a greater affection towards me and my cousin Amal just because, late sister Anansiamma( their superior sister) were our grand aunt. So because we got a better position amongst kids, we utilized that opportunity to ask doubts and questions from everything taught. From those days, like the bouncing ball, my doubts never came to an end, they started bouncing repeatedly on its answers. I wanted to find the final solution for each and every doubt budded inside. That character as a habit, grew up gradually.

     Throughout the times of studies, my behaviour of unending doubts gained me too much of attention in fixing me a heroic image among friends. I started enjoying its taste as my character added spectacular diversions to it. Sometimes these doubts gave me enough problems and made me the disturbing piece among the whole. Even after class sessions, apart from disturbing teachers these doubts subsequently initiated in disturbing my inner self vigorously. These made me understand about the importance of self-sufficiency that initiated me in finding answers. Within short time I found myself becoming a hero with variety of concepts and creative thinking threads. With the blessing of almighty god, everything resulted at success. When everything appeared favourable, without my personal sense of realisation, negative energy started immersing its deep roots in me. Likewise sister Placid taught ' dirty hands of Satan with his malignant hands in dark shade programmed for mortifying good' caught me. Without my conscious awareness, pride filled my inner cup with arrogance. When pride started outgrowth, my belief in god automatically vacillated.

My savvy mind started thinking ' How can we include pride among the sins '. A confidential person will have pride for sure. My personal explanation was that, ‘pride should be considered as the magnified form of confidence. A successful person with talented brain will surely get praised for his achievements. And when the surroundings praise him for what he is, natural production of pride starts flowing. It’s a matter of his excellence and confidence. 

I tried to implement this theory with my inner self and fixed fight for so long. Long nights I repeatedly tried to prove it. Inner fight became tight and finally I ended up shrieking because it was really disturbing me even throughout sleeping. Those days made me write the above paragraph without completing my doubts. Finally I said. "Okay! Let's end this. It’s paining and is nixing me from sleep ". 

Then everything went down quiet. But I started tasting the trauma of failure. Everything went wrong and that nosedive persecuted. Everything I believed I can, changed itself into nugatory attempts. I found difficulty in working with every smaller plans I wanted to. It was late when I realized that the problems approached were practical explanations intentionally intended to clear my doubts. Every single thing believed to be won ended up in failure. Consequently these failures fixed me with daily boozing and anarchical smoking for staying positive. Accompanying the addictive habits laziness inhabited me abscising everything I have to make me the usual one. I remember the days I practiced martial arts watching movies, and my confidence grew up into such a level that I felt it able to lift some object without touching it. 
Such kind of a confident person switched into foolish, lazy loser. Realization struck after analysing past incidents that made me down. That scourge I got from the true god trounce me down towards ground acknowledging myself as his damn simple creature. 


                                      I don't know why pride is considered as a sin, but I do understood one thing. 'IF YOU HAVE IT, IT WILL DESTROY YOU'.

Friday, 13 February 2015
| 10:22 | No Comments

14 years of love



Chapter 1

                                                    The day for pure love is celebrated worldwide now a days. Everyone will be having some sought of wonderful, charming memories about this beautiful day experience. Some proposals, some problems, some love stories, some big days or some special incidents. Wishing a hopeful Valentines day will be good enough than describing its specialty.

Last week; In that beautiful evening, we(roommates) were waiting for the food to get ready soon. The cooker in flames showed no signs of a confronting whistle. We had two flirting experts, one first time lover(new dreamer), one love supporter and Daivas. Flirting experts were talking about their ex-girlfriends and older love stories. Every story they told were really thrilling so that their audience will be expecting an incident likewise in their life to . After a while I noticed Nishanth(love supporter) is not happy enough to smile for those masala wits they include within their story. In late night I saw him disturbed at the bed, changing his sleeping positions frequently. I was busy with some blog stuff editing and reconstructing it with some power words. Finally after finishing everything with the notes I asked him.

 " What happened ? " After some usual hesitation style he replied with the true reason.

" They say Minchu(name changed) is in another relation " I was dumb stuck with his reply and silence floated throughout the scene. I felt myself empty to reply him back with some strong words. Because I know who 'Minchu' is. Not me but some among our friends know who she was and who she is for him. I left me back horizontal at the bed thinking about starting days of our college life.

                           The day before first day at college was my sudden projection of thought. At the hostel, there was a small group of students who became friends all of a sudden. Like today three of my roommates were there saying exactly the same story they told those days. There was 'Nishanth' who open up his love story for the first time. Sometimes it may be the last time also.
                  
                        "It was not actually a love story but was a life story"

                            He started from his starting days of education. " I remember , it was a rainy saga of tears made with sad and silent life hardening moments in June, continuously raining whole day and night. After all the next June and rain born with a new hope giving me the opportunity to study directly entering second standard. A new platform for me, school, new uniforms, new umbrella, new bag; like entering a new world.

I was standing with my mom along the roadside waiting for the kid plucking Auto Rickshaw's arrival. 'Babuvettan' a loving brother from my village used to take us students to school. When the auto appeared at the farthest point Mom spoke silently and seriously than ever.

'' Look 'Nishu' you already lost an year because of our last year conditions. So careful about your studies. Aim better educational targets. Realise your conditions and study well. Love you "

 Auto came nearer. She gave me a kiss in my forehead and said bye. Babuvettan took me gently in his hands from the roadside to the backseat. It was totally different atmosphere for me. When we reached the school all of our other Auto mates got down from the auto and rushed towards their classes. Babuvettan get one of my hand and walked slowly. Then I noticed a beautiful girl hanging in his other hand playing hide and seek with me while walking. She was a bit scared, even excited with her cute little face. He left her free before the door with the board written 1-B. She made a magical glance at me while saying Babuvettan a soft 'bye'. It took some seconds to go from my class room with the board written 2-A.

It was the first time I met her and I felt like floating. ( That made a loud laugh among us the audience whom all gathered new. )

 Those days of school excitement made both of us friends through the Auto-Rickshaw travels. Some best days and wonderful moments of my childhood. Life started moving with studies and serious examinations. Like my Mom advised, studies was my only girlfriend. My dreams were only about the studies and all about getting first rank. She became my only foe by defeating  me with grades. These characters became my temporary background within few years. During the age twelve to fifteen, there we had experienced a sexual separation of mental shame felt between boys and girls. Girls will not talk to boys and boys will not mind girls even if they really want to. A natural way of creating desire to each other. The part of entertainment lies with the jokes and fun among ourselves. During my sixth standard studies I got some more sense of age and realized more.
Now I know her more. Her house is near to mine. Our families know each other and mom used to say 'she is really cute'. I remember every stories we shared each other during those Rickshaw travels.

 Chapter 2 :

                             We were updated with new uniforms. I'm wearing new shirt and trousers and she got sandal colored shawl and check churidar. We are not kids now, we are boy and girl of teen age.

In a boring afternoon free hour, with the class continuously producing hubbub of disturbing manner less screams and laughs, we were making fun of each other. One among my friends started talking about 'Minchu' and was looking at me with his rolling eyes. Finally he stopped finishing with the dialogue;

'' She is nice; isn't she 'Nishanth' ??" I just avoided myself from the conversation expecting the climax of that subject soon. But he continued. ''I think I should try flirting with her! What do you think 'vellari' (Nishanth)??'' I felt it a bit irritated and gave him back a question.

''Why do you want my permission for that ??"  He wanted my heads down with shame. So he started again. '' You are close to her and you both go back home in the same Auto-Rickshaw; you should help me!'' Every eyes on me was presenting a naughty smile and later it became a laugh. I got it really hesitated with their actions and smiles with fun making intentions. But I controlled myself and replied.                            ''No! I can't!!"

'' Why can't you ? " He just wanted me to reply and nothing else. I felt it shame to talk about a girl before those idiotic ones. I tried to conclude with the subject.
''Just leave her! She is my friend" and I pretended like I'm not interested in talking this thing anymore.

              "Yes, your friend; not your GF. That's why I told you to help me." Another one interrupted the conversation. '' I think vellari is in love with her." Everyone together created a wild laugh which made me really disturbed.'' Answer came out from anger.

                        ''Yes, l love her!, and I'm not gonna help you; Do whatever you can!!" I quit that conversation and stepped out from class leaving those disturbances behind.
Right from that incident, every single one of my class started teasing me with her name.

              ' Minchu, Minchu Minchu ' At the Hand wash cabin, in the Library, at every intervals, during my cricket matches, everywhere. Sometimes I lost control over my temper and replied harshly back creating useless issues. Those irritating days continued throughout those days.
One day in a revision labelled class before final exams, we were talking and teasing showcasing a group study format. One at the front corner started talking about Minchu, making me the bait for their teasing desires. Now I'm used with this shit they say. I can easily make me flexible instantly whenever they want. After some usual dialogues, one argued.
" So you accept you love her; don't you ? "

            My reply was as they expected. " Yes; why shouldn't I "  They intended to get something more.

 " Have you ever told her about your love?? '' Suddenly the other one gave the reply. " What man! Don't you know he is afraid of doing such things! ''

                       Consequent comments came one by one. I startled to reply but they never give me some time to raise my point. Finally decision came. " After the next period there is break time. We are going to say his love. ''

'' What do you say Nishanth ?? " Now I got some time but I felt really perplexed about the reply and said. " Yes! I'm afraid. So how can I tell her that thing. Its really bad for me if you propose her for me. So I think it is better to drop this idea. "
Our generation experience a wonderful habit of writing letters for expressing love. Those were the final notes of interesting love stories apart from today's on air love chats. But this beautiful 'love letter method' affected me badly when they put me in pressure to write a love letter. I planned to tear it after writing and started writing just to get out of this continued hesitation. I started it as like the trendy format of time. Within few minutes the bell rang and there came 'Indira Miss'( Hindi Teacher) for the next hour. We were afraid of her character. I shut down the letter and put it safely inside my notebook. I was been the best for 'Hindi' subject in the whole class. So because of that 'Indra Miss' gave me more attention.

                                   But this particular time, I'm totally out of control and my mind is flying elsewhere. I can't understand what is happening to me that time and I'm getting out of my mind every time I plan to concentrate back to studies. It appeared like my mind teasing me with her cute smiling face and that already started letter. I'm smiling simply and trying to control it with an anonymous joy. Uncontrolled, troubled and excited for nothing. Madam warned me merely four times while her notes and explanation went on seriously. In the evening, at the auto I find it extremely difficult to sit against her and reply for her questions when asked. Heart felt pounding faster and an unknown shyness from somewhere rushed inside.
All the way back home made me sick. Whatever be that, the letter inside the notebook patiently waited for the night to arrive faster than ever.

Chapter 3

Night came slowly. I felt so restless and I took too much of deep breaths to get out of that weird thing. At night, after finishing dinner, I settled down in front of my study table upstairs. My mind was totally up to about the half written letter. I took it in my hand and scanned it twice reading those two sentences again and again. It was the first time I realized I really love her more than what I believed to. Many thoughts came rushed making me in mental trauma.

' Is this feeling actually love ?, why am I feeling so excited and happy without having nothing on head ?, Whether all those people who love feel this exact thing ? Will this thing poison our friendship ? ' Finally I decided to complete that letter. I wrote my mind, and all those confusing thoughts. After finishing those lines of love I wanted to read it again and again for self pleasure.

 '' Nishuu, Come and drink milk before you sleep " Mom was coming upstairs with a glass of milk in that wooden stairs making 'tak-tak' sound. My vigilance jumped back to reality, folding it in all of a sudden and put it inside my Notebook's covering. She came up to me and find me disturbed. '' What happened son ? "

                      I managed myself to say " Nothing Mom, I can't study. I guess I'm not in the right mood. How about watching the serial now ?? '' I think she well understood it wasn't the real problem disturbing me. That night was particularly special. My heart was drumming to welcome next day morning.

Next day on-wards there arrived an unknown smile in my lips and an unwanted extra beat in my heart. I was vigilant enough, not to show her any sign of my new budded love. After some days we had our final examinations, so that I wanted myself to get prepared and concentrated. And these exams simmered the shyness and those hard and tough feelings within time.
Another thing I felt bad was that, they started teasing me in front of her. Then I became more confident because she doesn't care for teasing me with her name. Then from those period of time, I enjoyed talking more with her.

Exams got over so is the rickshaw travels. I felt those holidays as the loneliest ones I ever had. I used to go near by her home side and roam around, expecting her view with anticipation. But her uncle saw me roaming there and I saw him looking at me. That was the end of that try. After that incident I felt so restless in home. And made a vacation trip to 'Mumbai' where my cousins live. Those days in Mumbai, and the roaming in there gave me a sought of relief that placed her thought by a side. After coming back from Mumbai, seventh standard schools started with normal freshness and little of that love injected intention. I feel afraid to express my love. But I always wanted to tell her, how much I love her.

Two months passed. In an afternoon, with hot air blushing throughout the ground, we felt tired after finishing our usual cricket match. Mean while 'Jamshir', came there to tell me some bad news. He is my neighbor and her classmate. He seemed looked like feared or may be frustrated. And he silently finished his thing feared and helpless.

                        'During my days in Mumbai an interesting thing happened. Jamshir my neighbor came to my house for collecting my notes for his seventh standard preparation. Mom checked my notes and passed him those notebooks. Unfortunately the Love letter got stuck inside its wrapping cover. That day, in the morning section break, in his class there started a small clash between two students. They fought and while fighting they used books to throw, pointing their enemy. That was a fate actually, My note dropped that love letter while flying through the air. During next period, one of his friends got the letter and they started reading it. After finding it is love letter, more of the students joined reading. When they find it pointing towards their classmate, reading became more interesting. When students rushed to read some paper piece, Indira miss understood it holds some extremely sensational content. She took the letter, read it and threw it in the basket warning everyone not to behave this way.'

 Everything over! My good name. My best student identity. Everything I build those years. I became mad and angry; then he said " It's not over " . And he continued.

After 4th hour came the lunch break, 'Kailash'(Villain) ran to the waste bin and took that paper and started rolling his eyes through those words. Jamshir plucked that paper from him and teared it into two. Again Kailash took it back from him and ran to show Minchu that letter. Jamshir, poor boy, what can he do more than accepting fate. Myself too, poor boy, what can I do !! 'Kailash' did that and she now will be thinking how bad I am. I lost my control and was confused. What to do now, is the only question ringing in my mind.

I loved her and always wanted to tell her that, but whether this thing made it worse or good ? Should I go there to meet her ? No. That is foolishness. What will be her feeling ? Will all these happened for a good reason ? Thousands of unanswered questions flashed inside within minutes. I'm done. I don't know how to explain my situation because nothing is worth of explaining my feeling that time. You should experience and feel it. The next period was of 'Indira miss' and I felt shame and was frightened. I was calculating how she is going to reply back to me.








Chapter : 4

She came as usual for the classes and proceeded with yesterday's portion. She behaved normally and I doubted whether Jamshir fooled me. No! He will not do that. But when the bell rang, she came near to my bench. " Nishanth, come with me " 

           When I stood up to follow her out of the classroom; I felt scared and tensed. In these type of love related cases, our school held the history of informing respected guardians of the accused. I can't even think about the situation where my dad get informed about this taboo. I stood silently before her cabin at the staff room. After a minute, she started speaking. " I don't want to ask you what happened. But I don't want this thing to happen again. You have a bright future. Don't waste it for something else. I think you have understood what I am talking about. I should not hear any complaints regrading this never again. Understood ?? " I searched out for words but stopped as it may frustrate her more.

         '' Yes madam! ...mm I'm sorry. I will not repeat this again. " She was acting like she had a heavy work load to finish by a very small amount of time. " Okay! You can go now "

 I felt so excited and I felt it hard to find what reaction to give it next. But I realized soon that the real problem was awaiting outside. In the jeep! I had a really bad feeling about facing her in the jeep. I thought of bunking the class an hour before and did that because I don't want to face her that day. The next day onwards I started sitting at the front seat of our jeep leaving my usual back seat. 'Sijoshettan' our present jeep driver also inquired about that unusual change several times. I felt it shy to come up with such situations and she also managed the same. Those days of unknown improper headaches.

 It took too much of time for me to get adjusted with that tough situation. Real hideous times!. Every night I used to think about a hundred variety situations were I can start talking with her again. But every time I found that really weird to mingle it with the reality. After that incident, it almost took a year to get used with the situation. But during those days, everyone started teasing me with her name from every corner. In some intervals of those busy days, my heart secretly started loving her at its most. Sometimes the saying may be true; 'Distance deepens relations'. I was really getting attracted to her without my conscious permission. Those days transformed me into a true dreamer chasing spectacular views. 

 Two years went slow and steady. Everyone started teasing her with my name, shouting 'nishanth, nishanth!' on her way. Meanwhile she migrated from our village to a far-away place. But since our family know each other, I went for their housewarming function. I remember it was 9th of January. There I got a small piece of time, to start conversing with her; confused and excited. But somehow we managed each other. Real and best moment after those days of ill fated silence. After coming back from her new home, I rewind the scene again and again, many times so as to find myself happy. When I reached ninth standard, teasing and making fun became severe for both of us. Let me say it as its extreme level. In the jeep, I never made a second attempt talking with her because I feared the creation of a new sensational subject for teasing enthusiasts. When I reached tenth, I made some useless attempts to make her understand about my love. Some of my best friends who were girls helped me in working with that. Parvathy( name changed ) my best friend was the first among them.

                             During 'Hindi period' we were suppose to shift from our classroom to another, because language subjects were elective. During 'Hindi period' we were busy marking important questions for next day's exam. At that time two of my friends poked me from backbench. They show me to look at some writing written in their desk. I leaned backward to see what is that much important written in there. 

It was written " Kailash love Minchu '' . Kailash and Minchu in blue ink and 'Love' was in red ink. I didn't like that to be written in there. Two of my friends were looking at me with their destructive eyes and was laughing. Bullshit!! I felt it as a greater insult and asserted myself with anger. When the bell for lunch break ranged, I walked straight towards the principal's cabin making some strong decisions out of anger. My face turned red and stood disturbed before 'Seema Madam' (principal). And a dialogue came rushed out. 


 " Madam, Take disciplinary action against Kailash! He is doing more and more unwanted things. If you don't, You will watch me slapping him. " I was not in the right sense to talk before Madam, I didn't even think about the rubbish came out from me. She became confused with my rough behavior and questioned me. 

       '' What is the problem now ? What did he do ? " I think now I'm trapped. I never think about this question and am not at all prepared for the answer.
I stammered. " Why... why... because he is disturbing a girl coming in our jeep. Isn't that unfair. " Just finished it and ran out soon. I don't know what happened then. 

             But during night hours I validated my actions. That was a stunning realization of how much I love her and how crazy I'm about it. I was not thinking about anything, I just wanted to curse him with my rage. Is that a bit of bad villain character ?? No! I can only watch it as a heroic thing working to show how deep love is. He is not fair. I know he always had an eye on her. But he flirted with another girl and made dirty problems. So I justify my actions, I believe someway I can. 

Chapter : 5

Time rolled again. Seasons passed silently. Exams were earlier to get start preparing for next year board exams. Final year at the nine year pursued platform had its enjoyable moments to offer. That year teasing on my love became more but now we are used with it. Tenth standard has the speciality of cautious examinations which are believed to have the power of defining future. Parents hope, bitter examinations, stressed studies and unbalanced mental strength. On the way towards washbasin she have to pass through our class front. Everyone in my class used to wait for her arrival during lunch breaks, to tease me in front of her. During those final weeks of school education, I felt much crazier about her. When exams approached closer, my intention for expressing love grow limitless. Like a plastic bag holding honey more enough than it can handle, all about to burst. Finally I decided to tell her everything I wanted to.

 But I had many restrictions. Exam concentration, Family problems, Limited time availability etc...
Finally after consulting with Parvathy my best friend, she assured to help me. Everyone was in a hurry preparing for exams. So we waited patiently for the prefect timing. 

 Finally that day of my dreams arrived. Twelfth of February 2009. I made the plan with Parvathy, and rehearsed the scene of my dreams several times. Ninth standard exams came earlier and she is having her final exam that day. We had our revision classes going on and for us bunking hours are more. That day we had 'Sheema' Madam's revision classes for morning section. Parvathy is already there to inform her that I'm waiting for her reply at the lower ground. I bunked my second hour class and was waiting for her approval at the lower ground. Heart was heavily drumming inside. 

                     Our school had two grounds, one at the upper part and other at the lower side. Two verandahs from both sides of the ground made the way towards ground. At the lower ground there situated the toilet, so there will not be too much of friends or staff to disturb us. That made lower ground the perfect venue for my proposal. Today she is having her final exam of ninth standard. I think sun is a bit jealous about my proposal thing, or else what is the need of spraying such hot harder rays to desperate me. Excitement ate me with its sharper fins and started chewing me with the unexpected possibilities of her reply. Now everything is going to reach its crucial part. Long wait awaits her decision. I tried more to give it a pessimistic approach. Bell rang loud, making me realize that hour finished its final seconds. Students rushed all around me for the celebration of break time. They all returned when the bell made its next noise. Atmosphere became silent again. 

                                     Its almost an hour now, nothing happened as expected. I started walking back to our class room. That red floor of verandah gave the mood an angry costume. Frustrated! While reaching the top section, Sheema madam offered a small relaxing break for our class. Friends came all around me, with the question 'what happened ?'. When I started saying ' She didn't came ', Parvathy came running, in a hurry and said. " She is in the verandah, coming to meet you ". In a second I ran down to reach the ground. The red floor was neat and was providing a lovely red appearance. All of my friends followed me to the ground. When she stepped into the ground with her friend, I came on time. In that moment of regenerated excitement, I lost myself in there and nothing came out from my mouth. Something similar situation we see in the 'Center Fresh' advertisement. Every plans ran off from my mind, and she looked extremely beautiful. I was staring at her rapid moving eyes; I knew, I have to start with something.

     "Say something" Some noise pushed me from my back side. Like the experienced parrot repeat, I started speaking unclear. " Say something " I think I too feel the fear all over my body.

        " What should I say ? " Her reply was soft. 
" Okay! Just tell me yes or no ? " I didn't feel anything then. No tension, no fear, no excitement. 
After a genuine pause came the answer. " No " She finished it simply looking down into ground. Lost!! I made a turn and saw a minimum of fifteen faces with the same expression looking at me from that semicircle formation around me. I walked straight back to the verandah and the group of friends followed me. I had a hundred feelings in mind, appearing simultaneously one after other. Everything with a bad painful intention. I adjusted the situation for my friends so that they shouldn't have to watch me feeling bad. I walked straight into the class room and there we had busy revisions going on. Madam gave me and my friends a heart full of scoldings for our late entry. I had an insane feeling with lots of frustrating ideas crushing my head. ''No, I didn't expect her saying ' yes, I love you '. Then what is making me psychotic!! '' I stood silent and tried listening to class subject. But it felt like my brain is bleeding. Bell for lunch rang suddenly. 
Parvathy came again with another news. " Minchu wants to meet you. She is waiting out there. " It was really a surprise to hear her saying that thing. I get out from the class with Meena to meet her at the verandah. She was there waiting for me. She was there at the school front and I know what exactly is the rubbish she is going to say. ' I'm sorry. Please forgive me. I don't wanted to hurt you. I can't love you. Please consider me as your sister.' Usual format for avoiding!! 

                She looked at me more confidently and said. " It is YES for me." I can't believe she is saying the real thing I wanted to hear for years. Paralyzed!! Is that one among my dream last night!!

 " Then why you said likewise ?? " Simply accepting my love needed some clarifications. Surely I know, she was expecting that question.

                    " Too much of your friends.... and I felt scared. " I just can't believe it actually happened. Again I checked whether this thing a dream constructed to fool me. My heart beat elated with enormous joy. She made a turn and walked away with her friend. While walking her way to 'Village Mukk' bus stand, she gave me a shakundala glance which is the historic symbol of ancient love. 

 The real problem awaited in the shades. She is having holidays from tomorrow.

Chapter 6

I forget to share something interesting that happened parallel to my eighth standard school days. I have a sister whom I used to share everything that happens during my school days. Accordingly I used to explain her about the teasing incident, the crush I started feeling and about the love for her. During my eight standard studies I tried to make a collection of her photographs by cutting some from school magazines, group photos and some from other sources. One day my mom accidently saw my photo collection note and asked me about it. I felt caught and my situation was heavier like you should experience it to understand what exactly the feeling is. My sister came nearer and explained the situation to support me was my wonderful advantage. After finishing with the total story of love, she advised me to get it out of my head. 

   " Look Nishu, you are fifteen now. You are not at the school to love. You should love your studies first more than anything, then we are ready to propose any girl you like." Mom was been my first and ever love, moreover she was been my matter of respect. So I decided to pursue her leaving my love. But for the first time the situation changed me to follow my life or else my love. 

 After her approval, I was suffering from a situation where I can't even concentrate on my studies. I was never been like this before. I can't even tolerate her words of approval so that I used to repeat the scene of her reply in my dreams. I tried a little hard to concentrate back to studies and those moments disturbed me every time. Those days of serious examinations ran over faster than expected and I was getting madder without her single view. After finishing my last exam I took a long route to her home, imagining her view at a longer site. But that time also her uncle caught me roaming around her house. Then I understood it was a really risky task roaming around her home every time. I tried real hard to contact her anyway but was feared about starting talking with her. Holidays was been a saga of thoughts and plans so that I finally concluded with a small relief plan. The next telephone booth was my destination. I know she will spend her day hours alone at home. I made the call to hear her sweet spells. But I was afraid whether her home connection have a intercom recorder which notifies or records our conversation. 

                        " hello " I started already. And she was there at the other end picking up the receiver. 

 " Hello " she paused for the other end to make a start. The fear of intercom converted me dumb. She asked again. " Hello, Who is this ? " her voice was such sweet like the angels from heaven started singing around me. I heard her voice asking me 'who are you' again and again and she disconnected the call saying 'sorry, I can't hear you'. This thing was nice and I repeated doing this again and again. 

                   It was my sisters marriage arranged during those holiday intervals. That day before her marriage I got sick with a wild fever which made me in trouble. It was such a troublesome situation stressed me to get two heavy drug injections for attending marriage functions steady. In that morning I woke up watching my mom collecting new dresses from the cupboard. She smiled at me. " Good Morning Nishu " 

 " Morning ma " I woke up from bed. She had a naughty smile at her face. 

   " Minchu is waiting for you downstairs " she laughed and made a turn to leave my room. I can't believe she is here. In my house. Shocked for a second with a confusion and start preparing to present myself before her like it was my first date. I wanted to talk with her. My mind deserved a gentle conversation. Whatever, I found my best T-shirt and trousers for our first meet after her approval. I felt really excited and tensed. 

 I step downstairs to meet her at the front verandah. Her beautiful first look took me away from earth to heaven. 'God! She looked such beautiful in her attractive costume.'
I came back conscious to made a glance around to look at the nearer atmosphere. " How do you feel now. Are you alright ? " Dad made me shiver with his rough sound asking about my health conditions from a nearby side. 

 " Its okay dad. How is everything going on ? " I replied with a scared, yet managed facial tone. He spoiled my mood with his presence. I felt the situation really bad toned to look again back at her. 

          " Guests are arriving. Go meet your cousins " I took a deep breath and walked towards the other side of our house. While crossing her, I passed a casual smile that can convey my helpless situation and love for her. Her parents are around. I should act more vigilant and gentle. I found her at some intervals of time during the whole marriage programme. 

 We intentionally came together for two or three functions at our village expecting a better conversation. Unfortunately nothing happened as expected. Every time her parents, my cousins, relatives and neighbours came in to disturb us before starting conversing. 

          Holidays became over and I changed the school for higher secondary education. That year was the black age of my love. An year I sponsored for serious studies. It was a new start where I started living without dreams. Mom was been my biggest support in leaving distractions behind to concentrate back studying.

 During the final days of eleventh standard classes, sudha madam gave us special class at the morning to finish her portions. That day I woke up early and finished lighting lamps at my nearby temple. When I reached the bus stop for the bus, it already started its run. I ran faster to reach the bus, and made the final jump to get into the footboard. With my sweated uniform, heavily breathing nostrils and drumming chest, I saw her again astonishingly beautiful at the front. An year made my love more sweeter and stronger. 

 That was a wonderful twist I never expected again. I was waiting for the next day to arrive faster. That day morning section was an ultimate hectic one. More energetic! I woke up early to shower and then towards the temple for lighting morning lamps. I changed my routine for her so that I can ran to get the bus she usually travels. I started repeating this routine which created a small spark of doubt at my moms mind. I used to travel with her towards the direction of her school and get down the next stop for another bus to reach my school which was exactly at the opposite direction. Even though it was a hard routine to maintain, I had a crazy intention which forced me to work for her mere view at the daily bus. Her beautiful face was the thing that made my each individual day a better day. 

 Parvathy did her pre-degree somewhere near to her school. I wanted to make a better conversation with her. But I should say 'I haven't had enough guts to start with something. Something like shyness or optimistic strength pulled me backwards. 

Chapter 7

That was a period of self joy that mixed with the silent love. After a while 'Parvathy' came to me with her message and that was a shock for me. She had a complaint like I was not at all speaking a single word with her. That was an unexpected thing I ever imagined. And that day I felt it so hard to sleep and my mind was continuously constructing and reconstructing the possibilities how and what to start with. Finally I planned a conversing strategy to start with her next morning. 

Early morning I had more of the energy to get up from bed and get ready for the bus. I was rushing to get into the front part where ladies had reserved seats. She was just a meter in front of me but a group of thickly packed passengers stayed between us. Apart from the usual way I step down at her bus stop near to her school. She came down from the front door and when I got down I lost my confidence and tend to cross the road for the next bus to my school. She called me from back. Silent and neat sound! 

          '' Hey " I made a back turn to see whether she called me or anyone else. She was waiting for me to say something else. 'Even if my plan failed she have got a practical plan;' I thought. When we came face to face my heart pumped enough blood to balance the situation. I wanted to start before her try. '' I heard a complaint from you that I'm not at all talking to you "

 I just paused a second for her. And at that second she made her entry. 

  " Yeah!, but now I'm not here to say something like that." A bit of confusion was digging inside with the tool of anxiety. I haven't even saw her like this before. She was also disturbed with some subject to start up with and her face was also giving it such an expression. 

 '' See, I agreed it likewise and thereafter we saw each other in some rare occasions. But this is the time. Let's end this thing." She gave it a break looking into my eyes and continued with the remaining. 

 " We both have too much to complete with the studies and this thing should not disturb us anyway. Let's end this and I think that will be better. " 

 My feet sucked heat from the ground and made me dry from bottom and emptied me totally. She was just waiting for me to say something; I know. The automatic question released from my throat. 

                       " But why ? Is that such a big thing for you to avoid me ? " She gave it a helpless glance and left. I don't know what exactly was that thing her glance meant. After that incident I felt depressed about that unreasonable rejection. It was making me perplexed every time whether I have done something wrong or I haven't did something right. The baddest feeling ever. 

After that incident I decided not to see her again. I purposefully changed my routine and made some usual boys plans that can run my day. After some weeks I just explained everything to my mom and that was a big relief from the pressurizing thoughts. She was making me forget about the fascination I weighed in my head and she advised me to concentrate on studies. I tried following it likewise with my mental strength either. 

 Between that day and today we met several times occasionally and conversed several times as old friends. But I know my mind is still waiting for her company, not as a childhood friend but as a lifetime partner. I never tried diverting my mind from my mother's advice till now. But this thing is a bit more for me; not for me actually, but for my heart truly. 
                                     

(Here I believe this story continue towards a better and happy ending climax. Today my college, friends and readers are really expecting a happy ever after climax after reading about his passion towards her. It is just a joke for the x-generation while talking about years of love. Here in this story they haven't even talked much. They haven't gone out for a date or even shared a cup of coffee. But love existed in his heart and soul like the olden melodies we refuse to erase from phone. I didn't intentionally meant to hurt someone while writing this stuff. I just tried to imagine the situations of my friend and tried to express his experiences, when love generated at his inner self. Along with my friends and roommates we hope this story to get continued towards a better ending. This is not the end.)                                                      Picture abhi baaki he Bhai..