Pride

This extract from my college time blog collection was an upshot of new dissenting thoughts that received much self-appreciation from inner self. Unfortunately, I found trouble in concluding due to its uncertainness nature of unending doubts generation. After past few years of absurd self-analysis, universal power brought me the answers for my queries on the miraculously confusing topic ‘Pride.’

(What does Pride refers to actually?
Pride is a rich feeling of confidence someone poses when they feel themselves securely surefooted. In other words it is a feeling sprang up from an over confident mind.
Then why bible refers pride as basic sin that can redirect into major sins??
We engineers or engineering students are strictly instructed to poses high level of confidence while attending an interview or while working on a project. There are hundreds of books written about the importance of working with confidence. There are great authors, experts who deliver their experience and motivate us to improve our level of confidence. If confidence induce pride then how it ameliorate my state of being. Then what could be the intentions behind instructing us to practise something that can be a cause for basic sin. Confidence does create pride. )

It was confusing why sister Placid taught pride as first sin. She was making us prepare for our Holy Communion ceremony. Among those kids, I was been the active. Sisters of our convent possessed a greater affection towards me and my cousin Amal just because, late sister Anansiamma( their superior sister) were our grand aunt. So because we got a better position amongst kids, we utilized that opportunity to ask doubts and questions from everything taught. From those days, like the bouncing ball, my doubts never came to an end, they started bouncing repeatedly on its answers. I wanted to find the final solution for each and every doubt budded inside. That character as a habit, grew up gradually.

Throughout the times of studies, my behaviour of unending doubts gained me too much of attention in fixing me a heroic image among friends. I started enjoying its taste as my character added spectacular diversions to it. Sometimes these doubts gave me enough problems and made me the disturbing piece among the whole. Even after class sessions, apart from disturbing teachers these doubts subsequently initiated in disturbing my inner self vigorously. These made me understand about the importance of self-sufficiency that initiated me in finding answers. Within short time I found myself becoming a hero with variety of concepts and creative thinking threads. With the blessing of almighty god, everything resulted at success. When everything appeared favourable, without my personal sense of realisation, negative energy started immersing its deep roots in me. Likewise sister Placid taught ' dirty hands of Satan with his malignant hands in dark shade programmed for mortifying good' caught me. Without my conscious awareness, pride filled my inner cup with arrogance. When pride started outgrowth, my belief in god automatically vacillated.

My savvy mind started thinking ' How can we include pride among the sins '. A confidential person will have pride for sure. My personal explanation was that, ‘pride should be considered as the magnified form of confidence. A successful person with talented brain will surely get praised for his achievements. And when the surroundings praise him for what he is, natural production of pride starts flowing. It’s a matter of his excellence and confidence.

I tried to implement this theory with my inner self and fixed fight for so long. Long nights I repeatedly tried to prove it. Inner fight became tight and finally I ended up shrieking because it was really disturbing me even throughout sleeping. Those days made me write the above paragraph without completing my doubts. Finally I said. "Okay! Let's end this. It’s paining and is nixing me from sleep ".

Then everything went down quiet. But I started tasting the trauma of failure. Everything went wrong and that nosedive persecuted. Everything I believed I can, changed itself into nugatory attempts. I found difficulty in working with every smaller plans I wanted to. It was late when I realized that the problems approached were practical explanations intentionally intended to clear my doubts. Every single thing believed to be won ended up in failure. Consequently these failures fixed me with daily boozing and anarchical smoking for staying positive. Accompanying the addictive habits laziness inhabited me abscising everything I have to make me the usual one. I remember the days I practiced martial arts watching movies, and my confidence grew up into such a level that I felt it able to lift some object without touching it.
Such kind of a confident person switched into foolish, lazy loser. Realization struck after analysing past incidents that made me down. That scourge I got from the true god trounce me down towards ground acknowledging myself as his damn simple creature.

I don't know why pride is considered as a sin, but I do understood one thing. 'IF YOU HAVE IT, IT WILL DESTROY YOU'.