Even though I suspected not to go back ‘Pallavanore’, I did
it because, it was the only place I felt local to the surroundings. There I had
some savvy friends who dreamt of a long trip together, towards an unknown
destination. But the condition we had was not that stable with financially
backward situation. So we made a small trip catching the next train that
arrived in the nearby station. The next day morning witnessed ‘Bangalore city.’
Even though ‘Bangalore’ is special for its IT Companies and Technological
world, we saw it in other way. The easy availability and cheap price of liquor
and wine compared to neighbouring states made Bangalore special for us. So we
choose to relax from morning itself. We have quite a little friends there and a
usual hangout PUB where we danced during college trips.
Arrows at the clock ran faster and pointed at four when I made
the second glance. We were talking about the vexed issues of unexpected reality
that changed our lives into disaster this soon. After a day long discussion starring
future possibilities, we settled on changing the subject so because, same subject
the whole day felt lifeless without conclusions. So my friend selected the
subject of love that have more complications to talk about. Even though the
subject didn’t felt suitable for our present condition, I liked opposing love
stories from college days.
My friends had love stories that grow up within social
media, and ended up in bed. Maybe some short love stories. One started with his
usual comment, “You know, among the hundred movies released in India, surely
ninety-eight will explain a love story. So there exists love and there is life
within itself. Maybe you should experience it to know how it works.” I have a
bad tendency of opposing everything that unwillingly suits my concept. I got my
time then.
“Okay guys! Explain me what’s love? When should we call it
true and mythical? Have you ever seen a true love story for real? There is no
made for each other thing either. Only human lust and care is combined and we
call it as love. It will not exist for a lifetime. That is why intelligent
ancients made religions and made ‘one man one woman rule,’ as a matter of
religious outcome, so as to keep the human quality of self-control for our race
to move forward.” When my volume raised from scoring energy, couples all around
pointed at me with their distressed faces. Probably I should have disturbed
some dating plans. But I didn’t quit. “We change our behaviour, style, trend,
likes and dislikes often with latest fads. If someone gets interested in you
because of your character and style, we are going to change them within
sometime. Any girl can love, as many guys and any boy can love as many girls as
he wants. If you can stay at one, you are the owner of such a quality mind.”
Soon I noticed the silence around me awaiting end for my conceptual speech. So
I thought of ending it easy and simple. I don’t want to make them bored again
and reached towards climax. “Each and every girl is flexible and will change
their mind with time, so do boys.”
That climax wasn’t that acceptable. So they started again
with the reply. “So you say every girlfriend is flexible, and will change their
mind with mood and time. I can’t totally accept that rubbish.” He blew a fuse
when he added words, becoming crazy with my theory. “Alright, do one thing.
Prove us your theory.” He was about to start a massive attack, before that I
injected in. “Prove? What to prove? Whom to prove? I was just sharing a
thought; if it doesn’t seems digesting, leave it free.” Though I was just
ending it, my tail end smile displayed it like escaping. So they got the
chance. “How can you just say that in the public? If it was your foolish dumb
thought then it should stay back in your mind. You said it because the mighty
Dhyan is able to prove it.” Everyone approved it with intentional dialogues
that followed. “It’s simple, choose a girl and change her mind, make a new
trend and that’s it.”
“Doing that to a girl is terrible. How can you say such
things! Even though I try, I should find a girl first.” I objurgated.
“Finding a girl is nothing man, Can’t you see sexy
girlfriends all around. Now you will say, none are challenging for you.” He was
locking my only word of hope with that precaution comment. I just wanted to end
that teasing war reaching targeted towards me. “Okay! Which girl? You just
select one for me. I’m ready.” He haven’t had the intension of quitting.
“Alright; let’s make it a gentleman deal. What if I succeeded
with the motive? What can you offer me back?” We usually make gentleman deals
for fun and I do earn the most of it. But the speciality of this particular
deal is the presence of that unknown lady. They paused for a minute and one
started again. “Let’s fix the girl first, and we will continue with the deal.”
They all started counting around and I was checking through their faces. They
made some suggestions and amended it with some else. Finally the guy who fixed
the deal fixed the girl.
“I know how hard it is to get trapped with the situation. So
I can help you with a favour. It seems like that girl at the restaurant table
is having some problem with her boyfriend. It will be much easier to get her if
you can act like a caring friend now.” I didn’t even looked at the table
because I was determined to reply him before that. “Thanks! Six month time is
all I need. What will you accept when you get failed with this?” And I looked
at the girl and I couldn’t even see her properly because she sat some hundred
degree other side.
“Okay, we altogether will offer you a ‘Manali’ trip free of
cost.” He checked with others in a glance while finishing. “And what will be
your price of defeat?” I don’t have any answers to explain. So I kept thinking.
“What do you want me to do? Some favour or a curse to accept myself.” These are
the two ‘gentleman deal’ options available. “You can decide that too.” He throw
me a much confused decision to make.
“Okay! I will work in your timber mill just for food and
shelter; means without a single rupee salary.” My low voice made them
confident, producing a bewitching smile as its sign. He find that fascinating
even though others find it stodgy. “You are going to be treated as a slave; are
you sure, you said that?”
“Do you think Dhyan is brainless or fatuous to make asinine
comments?” Everyone around looked at me with a ‘did that hurt him’ thought.
They know I’m adamant with my decisions, and adding a trivial outlook completed
my comfortable state. The guy sitting opposite me beckoned to the other when he
started at something with a ‘sorry’.
“Let me see my girl first, then lets continue with another
topic.” I stood up from the couch, placed bottle at the table and walked intentionally
towards the washroom crossing the restaurant. There is no sentiments or
compromise with gentleman deals; such related talks faded when I walked away. On
my way back from washroom, I was looking at her for calculating my first gut
instinct.
She wasn’t that pulchritudinous, but was old-fashioned girl
with frameless specs and pleasing style. Even though my gut instinct gave me a
favourable reply, the second thought erased everything with a negative flash.
I was thinking like going to her and asking like “What
happened sweetheart? Any problem?”
“Then her boyfriend
will come for me and I beat him there. Watching me beating her boyfriend makes
her impressed and ask me for the favour of dropping her home. While I drive,
police jumps into the scene and the escape related incidents make her love me
from that day itself.”
This is the beginning strategy of love in every Telugu movie.
But now I know life is much worse than movies.
We drunk until we fall and sleep, teasing each other,
ignoring the girl and the task waiting at the restaurant.
Part 4
My Presumptions
Job in here cast down to be colourless within days. Absence
of ‘Jeena’ was making the whole atmosphere lonely for me. I got more of the
stuff to handle everyday like training the new entrants, working with my team
in programming, extra fill outs and call outs from GM, and debugging
submissions. The only thing that felt savouring was, getting placed between two
trainee guys as their trainer. The one was a Pentecostal Christian who was an
extra fine character with first looks and was graduated from somewhere in States
with an experience of three years in web-developing. I was afraid what to and
how to tell ‘Sam’ about the procedures. But when I kick off to start, he gave
back a supportive matured response and absorbed everything I told for action.
But ‘Dhyan’ the other guy was just the opposite. Not just
the opposite, but he was more than that. He was a fresher from some unknown
college in ‘Pallavanore,’ near to my Top Ranking College of that city. He
haven’t even completed the course. He is here as a trainee with less than the
basic salary. More than that he is a moronic lacklustre with careless mind and
dumb brain. Ahh... That was relaxing!!
The first day itself, after my lengthy explanation he said ‘he
understood everything’ and on the go he came up with doubts. Usually teachers
encourage doubts, I think he is over-motivated in this. If disturbing with
doubts is an art, he must be a professional among such artists. For example, you
are going for a tea in the nearby store and the waiter is asking you about it. “What
about the tumbler sir, paper or glass? Do you want it hot or medium? What about
the sugar sir? You want it strong or light sir? Sir do you like to opt for any
varieties like ginger tea, special tea or green tea? Do you want anything else
with it? Sugar?”
How irritated you must be? Training him is like hearing and
getting irritated with the condition for nine hours a day. You can calculate it
now, my ability of patience.
While this thing was going on in its way, I gave
him a program to study and explained him to examine it and explain the same in
five minutes. He started scanning it making a sound similar to one that kids
make while playing with toy car. It was an application created for ‘Medical
Products and Marketing.’ While I turned my head back to system with the relief
of a pause from him, he turned back to me and asked in a rush.
“What is this thing Viagra?”
In a second I got confused and words came out without my
permission. “What?” The other guy ‘Sam’ heard that. He turned to us. He asked
again with a ‘Do I did anything wrong’ expression.
“What is ‘Viagra,’ it’s getting repeated in the text.” I
just get stunned without an answer and looked back to the system and observed
him still counting on me. The guy other side busted into laughter and managed
to say ‘I will tell you later, go on with your work.’
In the other minute, my stunned and excited reaction became
text and travelled to ‘Shree’ and ‘Athira’. In the next second, two faces
budded up the cabin with a semi-smiling pause looking at me and him frequently.
I burnt up with anger and restlessness with a comic unknown signal. That day
passed with a load full of teasing targeted towards my situation.
He told me many things without a question. He didn’t pass
the exams, he is from a family in a village at Kerala, and he plans to make a
duplicate graduation certificate and the plan of making money for that, etc.…
He don’t use his mobile phone much, but occasionally there
comes some secret call in which he talk in good western English. He told me he
has the problem of overthinking which disturbs a man from sleeping. Overthinking
has another name for its mental condition ‘Analysis Paralysis.’ He told me he
don’t like sentimental people and he teased Tamil movies for having an
over-sentimental hero.
After a week I end up confused about who he must be. That
weekend, my mind was full of him, sharing with my friends and thinking about
him. During the daily chats with my boyfriend, my tongue tip keep repeating his
name ‘Dhyan’ even though I’m afraid to do so. Categorically analysing, he is an
unfit with all cases. He is new like fresh and raw. A very different man I have
ever seen in my whole life.
He started teasing me and Shree whenever he gets the chance.
Athira was the only one who replayed him whenever she gets the chance and he
controls it silently. When we girls in gang comes together we arrest him in the
cage. I do use the opportunity, performing smart before others.
One thing I noticed about him is that he gets tensed when
anyone use the word ‘business.’ Maybe he don’t like business, or maybe he has a
story starts from business fall, or maybe he is betrayed from some business,
maybe his parents... He is mysterious and I thought the only one who know him
is his friend and my other trainee Sam. I started about him with Sam but he
don’t know him out of office. They leave together from office, share a tea and
snack and drop him somewhere and that’s all he know. My head started thinking a
lot. I often felt like I’m overthinking.
He was unexplainable like we couldn’t even figure out whether
he is teasing or getting self-teased. Throwing that confusion he neutralize
every targeted attack that approaches him. Whatever happens, he gave that
foolish, comical dumb expression and in the next minute he switches to cool
free man like nothing happened.
I believe he don’t know how to talk with a girl. He talks
about the worst stuff degrading himself, never cares about anything that
matters us, have a different opposing opinion about love, don’t even have a
phone to chat with. Maybe he is a fraud!
The one thing that
fascinated me was his style of adapting me. He eats my styles and phrases to
tease me and puts it in, whenever the situation favours. We practiced the
phrase of using “seri okay” for confirmation and that was the one he used first
to tease me when I gave him instructions. Then he robbed my usages like ‘Ada
Kodumi!’, ‘Vinayaka perumalae’ etc.… He was witty with his character and his
lips keeps on moving every second of the day. Once he told me that, he keep
three rules for himself for his office part. One was formal dressing code, the
other was attendance and the third was the unbelievable one; silence. So he
came office every day in formal uniform, and he came everyday even if all
others planned for some leave together; but being silent was a real challenge
for him.
A month passed in the shades, teasing each other and working
with his improvement as an employee. He mentioned about my boyfriend throughout
the teasing saga when something came wrong from my part. I didn’t want to
expose me as a girl with a boyfriend but it happened. That evening we were in a
joined massive attack with him. Unusually I supported him in a particular point
crossing Athira and Sree saying, ‘my trainee is the best one.’ Soon he
responded.
“See, I have my girl there” When he finished with
confidence, Shree interrupted loud and fast.
“She have her boy already; who is your girl then?” He lost his face looking
down and changed his tune. We burst into laugh with a hi-fi, confirming we
scored.
Back in my room, I felt tired and kept thinking about the
incident; it was confusing enough to decide whether I scored it bad. ‘She
haven’t said that! How can I face him tomorrow?’
Sleep erased all such thoughts when I woke up
the next morning. After some days he asked about him along with some useless
murmurs. “Silly guy! He is gonna suffer for sure!” When he murmured in a flow I
replied with the flow. “Who?”
“That one; your boyfriend.”
Remembering that incident happened two three days back I
replied unending but fast as an answer.
“Who told I have one!” Making the scene little reddish
didn’t affect him anyway. Nothing does! He still felt cool and replied. “Ohww…
Are you such a waste? You can’t even get a boyfriend in all these years?” He
giggled in such a way to make me redder enough.
After a second pause I gave him answer. Slow and silent.
“No, I have one. Shut your mouth and do your job.” I thought of winding it up;
need some time for thoughts. He has that creepy behaviour of unblushing chase.
He came up with the next comment.
“Why can’t that dialogue bring you enough happiness? Are you
planning for a breakup?” Sudden but the same silent tune reply appeared little
unusual.
“Shut your mouth and do your job” I backstabbed.
He was full of action, giving a bit of extra reaction for
everything that required a little bit. He seems to be the mysterious person I
ever know. Sometimes he appeared like a terrorist with intentional motives. One
day I asked him about that, fitting it in the final part of a teasing strip.
But he was cool and replied simply laughing to that. So that was a
clarification.
One day I found him talking English in his broken
half-working phone, and I’m sure no one was at the other end. So he is simply
acting like calling somebody. He is not that well in English while attending
office calls and while replying mails. Then why he do all this? Whatever, he is
a very good actor bewitching us with tricks.
He said he don’t have much friends. He talks like an alien,
with unacceptable rules and ideas that our modern world feels difficult to
digest. I spent a lot of time rolling through his Facebook page, and found
everything normal. He has a collection of handsome clicks which are well edited
and maintained. There I saw a lot of his friends hanging around him and many
photographs that explains his friendships. Liar! Maybe he is a liar!
I thought he can’t even connect with girls; because he had
an unusual style of irritating commentary. But there was a lot of girls in
photographs posing by his side. So maybe he is good person whom we can trust.
As time passed he started opposing ‘Love.’ His concepts were
against the love and relations that’s happening through social media. He
believes they will not sustain till end. Explaining concepts about each and
everything. Even though his advises helped me with many problems that took
place, I hate the philosophy in each and everything.
One day when I was returning to the table after lunch he was
drawing something in the old table calendar that was thrown in the corner. When
I asked to show it; after his usual hesitation style, he gave it to me. I was
stunned after looking at it. He have transformed those pictures of fruits into
something that is spectacularly creative. Creative! Maybe he is Creative!
Months rolled by…
Part 5
The next day we returned back to ‘Pallavonore.’ I understood
the situation is getting much worse than ever expected. So I planned to leave
‘Pallavanore.’ I went back home were the situation is much worse. For making a
change in the usual unenergetic lazy lifestyle, mom advised me to visit a
religious convention programme nearby. There the prayers and chants gave me a
proper relaxing feel. But my habits of addiction disturbed me to go for
cigarettes. In the second day, while smoking at the nearby store, I get caught
by ‘Swamiji’ who conducts the retreat programme. He advised me to come for a
counselling. The last day I stood before him, explaining the problems.
Controlling myself, overthinking, addiction and sleeplessness were my major
subjects when it was made short. He appreciated me for my style of thoughts and
control over basic sins. Then he took me to a psychiatrist who is consulting
nearby along with the programme. After repeating the whole story again he
instructed me to take tablets for sleep and addictions. The other problems can
be corrected as a second step. He concluded saying “This is the only way out.”
I said bye to ‘Swamiji’ promising him to come the other day. After coming back
home I went thoughtful about his decision.
“I’m going to get treated from a psychiatrist. Am I insane? “. I couldn’t control my feeling. I got feared
enough form that incident. So finally I decided to make a working plan for
myself. I analysed my problems myself and understood, if I could sleep properly
half of the problems with me can be avoided. If I took medications, later it
feels like an addiction which disturbs me from sleep without medicines. So I
should find an alternate plan. If I feel tired then sleeping will be easier.
Lazy sitting is preventing me from sleep. I googled about overthinking. The
results were sorted to some practically possible points.
-
Go indulge in some work.
-
Speak less
-
Workout
-
Concentrate on something new that you don’t know
about
I have to go for work. ‘Some hours later I got a call from
‘Varghese’ my batch mate and great friend who welcomed me to Chennai after
telling him my decision to work in some company. He was working in some good
company there as a trainee with very low salary. There he lived in a very small
apartment with unfair facilities adjusting unbelievably. I joined him in the
next week itself.
Being there in Chennai was expected to be a better part of
life. But along with his friend we started drinking everyday again. Everyday!
In a month time I have applied for a hundred jobs and
attended only three of them. The first of its kind in my life! I felt feared
again, more than what I was been before. And my view on mighty myself and on my
capability diminished. That destroyed my confidence. I became more useless.
The other day while drinking with some new friends, my phone
rang. “Hi, Is this Dhyan Raghav?”
“Yeah! Tell me” I replied. “Oi Hai…. Hmm… I’m Reshma Calling
from Futurefleas Bangalore… You have applied for a programmer post in our
company…. Soo…. Hmmm….. Are you ready to
shift from Chennai to Bangalore?”
“Ohh Yes! Well… Why not! If you could offer me a job... So when can I come in there for an interview.”
“Hmm…. Your native is Kerala right?”
“Yes! I’m a Mallu!”
I was little afraid. Mallus have such a terrible status in the outside
society.
“Soo… You should be having Onam Celebrations next week… Soo
you can come one day after that.
Is the Monday after Onam fine for you?”
“Ohh! That’s so kind of you. You can expect me there by
morning.” That conversation gave me a kind of confidence to attend the level
for this job. A ‘Programmer’ job for a Journalism Graduate.
Her words were unfair and she broke instantly between words.
That gave me more confidence to attend that interview. An HR with immature
speaking skills sounds suitable for a plan I was looking about. So spending too
much of time with the situation analysis and job background; I made a plan. A
plan that could help my survival.
As an introduction to the interview, I have planned the
questions and answers that could possibly been asked. A thousand questions and
a ten thousand variety of answers! Adopted a neat style and purity in facial
expression. Started believing like I got the job, so that no other forces could
limit me from getting it. Then I thought about what to do with the job I got.
There was a need for huge planning in order to make myself alright.
I should start believing ‘I don’t want a psychiatric
treatment, I can solve it myself, I will work, I will exercise, I will sleep
well, I will minimise my addictions to zero level, I could build myself, I will
be alright. There was a proper planning I made after that. I’m going to work
for the next four months. Four months are considered as four periods. Each
period I want two percent improvement in my performance. The performance is
calculated in terms of ten fields. Ten fields which are really tough for me to
control in myself. They are
1. Mobile phones – Usage of mobile phones are restricted. My
tablet got pit-pocketed while travelling in the public bus last week. I sold
out my phone and got a broken one (Basic Phone) for me. By fourth month my avg.
calls should get reduced to one.
2. Jogging – Exercises were part of my daily lifestyle once.
Now I feel tired to workout. I believe this as the basic reason why fear is
regaining power in me. I will get enough sleep if I can run some distance every
day. If I can inhale and exhale gently then mind will get fresh and that could
restrict overthinking.
3. Online – No Facebook, no WhatsApp, no Twitter, no
googling. Internet became an addiction from college days. And the crazy
intentions to write stories added more fire into the addiction for googling.
4. Speaking – Controlling my tongue from speaking was one of
the tough tasks. I had that kind of a childhood where I saw my dad delivering
powerful speeches in the corner road platforms. Sisters were all around me with
hundred stories every time. I always had a lot of people to hear my stories. So
controlling my tongue is such a difficult task for me.
5. Concentration – Rain is best thing I love in this world. Reason
for that is the chillness and clarity it could provide. Rain erases my mind all
in whole with its magnetic chanting sound and chillness. Concentration was
among one of my long run targets from the half of my teen age. I’m not sure
about a change. But let’s hope for the best as always.
6. Sleeping – Long thread of paralysed thoughts that
analyses every situation restricted me badly from sleep. Working with something
else can divert me from overthinking. So I could sleep better one day. I’m
expecting to get better sleep from the first month itself.
7. Avoiding Problems – I loved creating problems and solving
problems. Because I believed sad situations can bring happiness and happy
situations can bring sad ones either. New place, new to the surroundings and
background is better for a new start as a good boy. So there it is possible to
stay, as an unknown, silent, foolish kid. I’m an expert in solving problems
that could indeed create more complicated ones. I could possibly avoid creating
and solving problems for the next four months.
8. Sitting – Resting in somewhere or someplace for more than
a while was more than enough to drive me crazy. After the college life, with
full on parties and celebrations, fixing my back in someplace for too much time
became an impossible task. I do roam from one place to other while I get a
small interval of time to relax. My usual routine without any programmes
included six walks for tea. I have to correct the problem before anything else
so that I could survive in an office.
9. Adjusting – I was so proud about my specialty in
inheriting things. I could eat anything, live anywhere and control any stress.
But now it is not the situation. Now I do have dos and don’ts list. I love
somethings and I hate somethings. I should change it somehow so that I could
regain my power back. I can get back with the star of quality.
10. Smoking and tea consumption – Smoking and tea
consumption should be controlled. I don’t have an open mind that allows me to
plan for quitting smoking and avoiding drinking tea. So the initial plan itself
was to reduce the no. of cigarettes and tea per day. Two cigarettes and two tea
by the end of this programme.
A week passed slowly in planning for the interview and the
ultimate plan for boosting performance. The next week with my friend from
‘Chennai,’ I left for Bangalore. I have my relative friend studying in there
who arranged us an apartment for two days to stay. He studies Fashion Designing
in Bangalore in the National Institute for FD.
As pre-planned I prepared myself with neat looks and gentle
expressions. The office wasn’t that big as I expected. The front office was
full of dust and people who works on carpentry was running all over, while I
waited for the HR to come. As like every office, watchman is our first target.
While building up a conversation with that old man, a guy (Vincent) came out
calling my name. He talked to me in English even though, his accent expressed
mother tongue influence in the style. The first ‘Mallu’ in the desk; and that
was disappointing. There it was congested with fourteen cabins in the bedroom
spaced hall. There was some ten employees all over. I didn’t even looked at any
of them like a shy guy with gender shyness.
They gave me some initial tests for checking my standards in grammar and
spelling related matters. The HR came when I completed almost eighty percent of
the test. She was huge and bulky like an elephant. She had an over-expressive
face and had style of presenting. The one thing I understood was her love for
foreign world. Then our conversation exchanged to my platform, where I
performed well according to her taste. My sister who is married to a foreigner,
the pizzas, my cousin who is a fashion designer student, my love for expresso
shots etc. became subjects that attracted her attention. I believe the
performance brought me the job within that day itself. But the salary was equal
to that of our kitchen-maid. That wasn’t a problem for me either.
She gave me one day time, and I asked for one more day to
arrange everything that is going to develop my image with performance. While
travelling back to Chennai, we took a long route touching Mysore, Wayanad and
Pallavanore. In Wayanad it was my friend’s wedding day; after helping them with
the programmes and customs, we went Pallavanore and collected my Tamil friend’s
interests for a Tamil outlook. The next day my relative guy gave me the key of
his apartment and left for college. It’s a three sharing apartment. I got ready
for my first day in office. I’m going to work under someone receiving a salary
less than our kitchen maid. I refreshed myself with essential points to be
remembered.
